The last word on connubial chatter

Dave Boyer

is a member of The Inquirer Editorial Board

A flawed study of 400 college students claims that men are just as chatty as women.

The average woman utters 16,215 words per day; the average man manages to grunt 15,669 words daily. Researchers said the difference is not statistically significant.

The findings seem to disprove the common wisdom that women are more talkative than men.

But I see two problems with this study. First, the subjects weren't married. Also, the research was not conducted in the controlled environment of my den during baseball season.

Wife: "After dinner, I would really like to watch that Top Chef show. It's the start of the new season. Remember how much we liked it last year? Would you like to watch it, too?"

Me: "Phillies."

(Word score: Wife 34, me 1).

Wife: "It's your dad's birthday next weekend. Do you think he'd like a digital camera? Or should we get him a couple of those golf shirts with your company's logo on them?"

Me: "Bases loaded. Can't think."

(Score: Wife 65, me 5).

Wife: "Did you see in the paper today where Vice President Cheney was in charge for a couple of hours while the president was sedated? It's just as well - he was running this country anyway."

Me: "Not a double play!"

(Score: Wife 99, me 9).

Wife: "Sweetie, do you have a moment to help me pull my hand out of the garbage disposal? My wedding band fell into the drain, and I reached in and got it, but now I can't - "

Me: "Right after this batter, hon."

(Score: Wife 134, me 14).

Wife: "This book about Einstein that I'm reading is so dense. He came up with his theory of relativity in 1905, and I'm up to 1921, and Walter Isaacson, the author, feels compelled to write about every little insignificant thing that ever happened to him. Einstein treated women very poorly, by the way."

Me: "Urp."

(Score: Wife 186, me 14.5).

Wife: "That lightning bolt was awfully close. Better turn off the TV."

Me: "Utley broke his hand! What is life?"

(Score: Wife 197, me 21.5).

The way we're going, only one thing could possibly even the score - a Barefoot Contessa marathon.