False 'Idol'

At long last, America, have you no sense of decency?

Just when it seems that our standing abroad can sink no lower, there comes a new threat to our worldwide reputation so devastating, so morally repellent that I feel compelled to speak out while there is still time. I have to believe it's not too late to save my beloved country from abject humiliation.

For the love of God, America, stop Sanjaya Malakar.

For those few who have somehow managed to avoid American Idol, he's a 17-year-old faux vocalist whose principal asset is his inability to be embarrassed. He survives the voting week after week, despite his abject lack of singing ability, creepy song renditions, and disturbing hair configurations.

Consider the implications if this alleged "contestant" continues to make his way through successive rounds of American Idol. If the unthinkable happens, and Sanjaya takes the top spot, there are countless millions, perhaps billions, of similarly untalented people across the globe who will be emboldened by his success.

Simple shepherds in Finland will start air-guitaring to "Honky Tonk Woman" while their flocks wither away and perish. Brazilian fishermen will put away their nets, to spend endless hours working on lame renditions of "Let's Misbehave" and "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone." And young peasant girls in Kyrgyzstan will be heard rehearsing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" beneath their burqas.

Setting aside for the moment the economic and social dislocation this will wreak across the planet, there is the ever-present threat to our own security. Who can say that dissonant hordes of wannabe crooners won't try to follow us here? They will migrate to our shores by the untold millions, to attend Idol auditions across the country, inflicting their dreary song stylings on an unsuspecting and vulnerable public. The overwhelming majority will be, to use Simon Cowell's favorite turn of phrase, simply appalling.

And who exactly is Sanjaya Malakar? Do we fully know his background and motives? Viewers who have watched American Idol from the beginning of the season understand implicitly that anyone can participate without regard to race, religion, sexual orientation, psychotherapeutic medication, or time spent in rehab (this, of course, includes the host and judges). Sanjaya's Idol Web site bio claims he's from "Federal Way, Wash." Am I the only one who finds the name of this town just a little too convenient?

Clearly, Homeland Security should be on heightened alert to make sure that there aren't clandestine cells hidden among us, calling in droves every Tuesday night to keep Malakar in the running. Howard Stern has launched a campaign for millions of Stern listeners to vote for him. There's a Web site titled Vote for the Worst (www.votefortheworst.com/ - but don't go there) that is 100 percent dedicated to amassing huge vote totals for the worst Idol contestant, so of course they are working hard for Malakar. Though normally not a fan of torture, I believe that in this case the government would be entirely justified in sweating the prisoners at Guantánamo just a little further, to see if al-Qaeda hoped to destroy our society through really cheesy renditions of pop standards. Perhaps it can dispatch some Jack Bauer double with a cigar trimmer, or even send Malakar himself to Gitmo for a few weeks of open rehearsal. Desperate measures, to be sure, but these are desperate times.

What can ordinary Americans do? In many respects, American Idol is a democracy more vital than our political one, so each of us can use the power of the text message to register our vote. It's incumbent on each citizen to treat this civic duty with the gravity it deserves. It's one thing to let George W. Bush become president of the United States through voter apathy, but letting Sanjaya Malakar ascend to the Season 6 throne through our inaction and indifference is beyond the pale.

If the final count is too close to call, history suggests we can't rely on the Supreme Court to save us if it comes down to, for example, Malakar v. Doolittle. The justices remain closely divided, and there is simply no precedent in this area of jurisprudence. Apparently, Antonin Scalia ordered the complete Time-Life Malt Shop Memories collection a year ago, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg's law clerk reports that the judge continually whistles Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" during coffee breaks. Such meager information offers little comfort.

So organize. Host voting parties in your home. Go door-to-door in your community, and try gently to influence your neighbors to vote for other, more worthy contestants.

America, confront this Idol threat now. Put Sanjaya out of our misery.