A game plan for handling fiance's emotional affair

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: How do you deal with your partner's emotional affair? Wait until this phase is over, or tell him I have noticed things? I am afraid talking about this will make me look jealous and possessive. I am not. I feel hurt and lonely because he is distancing himself from me. If he truly wanted to be with her, I would quietly walk away, but that does not seem to be the case. He may not even realize he is doing anything wrong. It is all about helping her and being a reliable friend, etc.

We are engaged, but I do not want to marry him if I cannot trust him. If I tell him I want to break this engagement, it will look like I am being petty. And how will I explain this to my parents: "I broke my engagement because he forgot to mention something to me"? That sounds nuts.

Answer: Please stop negating yourself. That will bring more reliable misery than your partner's interest in somebody else. Seriously.

Your partner has withdrawn from your relationship. You can see it, you have evidence.

And, you have a life to manage one way or the other, so deal with this. He's either all in or he's out, no? And you need to be able to speak for yourself, especially to your chosen life partner.

So: "I want to marry you, but not when your attention is elsewhere. I see it. Please have the respect to tell me what's going on."

The truth is what will shape your life from now on, so even the worst news is better than being appeased. Advocate for that clearly in both your questions and responses. Counter anything you don't find credible with facts or observations; don't freak out even if he admits he's cheating; assure him you'd rather be hurt than lied to.

Please promise that you won't marry anyone until you're ready to approach your own life as though you're its CEO.

Question: Different situation, but I was afraid to admit things to myself and my then-fiancé, afraid I was crazy or overreacting.

Now we're married and, though I love him, I know we shouldn't be. Now I feel more stuck only six months into the marriage. Trust yourself; you are your best advocate.

Answer: Thank you. And pardon the unsolicited meddling: Being "more stuck" doesn't mean you are actually stuck.

If this marriage isn't right, take steps to reckon with that truth honestly. Hoping it will get better is a great way to find yourself decades from now looking back and wondering what else you could have done with your life.

tellme@washpost.com.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.