Mom's reaction to teen's outburst suggests parental immaturity
Carolyn Hax is on leave. This column originally ran Nov. 23, 2008. Question: I am a 17-year-old senior in high school. Until a few days ago, my mom was my best friend.
Carolyn Hax is on leave. This column originally ran Nov. 23, 2008.
Question: I am a 17-year-old senior in high school. Until a few days ago, my mom was my best friend.
Then I said some hurtful things to her in anger, including the fact I couldn't wait to get away from her (and go to college). I have apologized, but understandably, my mom is still incredibly hurt. Our relationship is now strained, and I don't think my mom and I will ever have the same friendship we did before. She told me that this wasn't the first time she felt betrayed by hurtful things I've said (I can say very harsh things just to hurt people in fights), and that, therefore, she is very skeptical of becoming friends with me again.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life having an awkward, emotionless relationship with my mom. Please help me.
Answer: Some day, your mother may be your best friend, but she isn't now, nor was she before. Being the mother and friend of a minor child are mutually exclusive. Until you're an independent adult, it's a parent's job to set limits for you, make unpopular decisions on your behalf, and say, "You're not leaving the house dressed like that."
In other words, she's supposed to be the mature one who keeps you safe from your own immaturity. A parent can protect a child only so much, obviously, and as the child grows, the protective scaffolding needs to come down incrementally. But, still, a parent is a child's primary source of the long view - on the child's behavior and on the greater world.
If she really did declare she's too hurt to be your friend ever again, then your mother broke - shattered - this contract with you. It would mean she took personally (your hurtful outburst) what a parent has to take generically (your developmental phase). That suggests she has an adolescent's nearsightedness herself, taking your harshness as the be-all, just as you're taking this awkwardness as the end-all.
Harsh words are the wrong means, always - it's especially important to know this if drama and neediness are the norm from mom. However, please know that differentiating yourself from parents is healthy. All parents teach their children two things: how to be, and how not to be. Your fight with Mom says it's time to start sorting the two.
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