Mom wants to rehash rehab details everyday
Question: My adult brother is in rehab for the second time in two years. My mother is understandably upset and wants to talk about it every day. She is in her 70s and hasn't told many of her friends.
Question:
My adult brother is in rehab for the second time in two years. My mother is understandably upset and wants to talk about it every day. She is in her 70s and hasn't told many of her friends.
I have encouraged her to go to Al-Anon or talk to a counselor, but she keeps putting it off. We don't live in the same city, but we have talked almost every day for the last two weeks, plus my dad wants to talk about it every other day or so.
I am tired of talking about it, and it must be showing. Mom got upset with me yesterday because she doesn't feel like I am being supportive and can't talk as often as she would like. I work, have two elementary school-age children, and my husband's parents are having some medical challenges . . . so I don't feel like I have any more time to give.
How do I explain this to my very needy mom without sounding so cold? I know it is her son and she is really sad, but so am I. Ahhh . . . feeling overwhelmed.
Answer: I suggest you go to Al-Anon, talk to a counselor, or read up on adult children of alcoholics, and here's why.
Your mom is upset with you because, to her mind, you're keeping her from talking "as often as she would like." That is codependency: She sees it as your job to serve her need.
How much your mom wants to talk is her responsibility, and she's making it yours, and so far you're letting her. You're listing reasons to justify not talking to her more often when in fact it's your time, your judgment, your emotions, and you owe no one justification for your choices.
Question: Is there a way to stop unsolicited advice from a particular friend? If I say, "I'm going shopping for Brand A birdseed," she'll say, "You should get Brand X, that's what attracts the most cardinals." I reply, "Well, I plan to get Brand A, that's what I got last time and that's what I'm getting this time." But I don't want to have to defend my choices.
Answer: Don'ts first: Don't bother with the mental calisthenics required to view her advice as an act of generosity. She is saying her way is better - or, more accurately, she's satisfying her own need to feel useful and important.
And you don't "have to defend" your choices. Unsolicited advice can be annoying, pushy, presumptuous, well-meaning, accidentally useful, and many other things, but it is never an obligation.
You see such unasked-for advice as a comment about you, but it's really about the adviser herself - which you'll see as soon as you override the impulse to justify yourself to her.
Instead, respond to unwelcome suggestions with a bright, "Interesting, thanks!" - and with no intention of changing your ways.
Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.