Tell Me About It: A relationship made painful by depression

Question:

At what point do you draw a line in a relationship with someone who has depression?

This person decided to stop counseling 18 months ago and since has spiraled into a worse place, pushing away most friends. This person will give the silent treatment for weeks, then reappear as if nothing happened. I love this person. But during these weeks of silence, I am quietly and intensely hurting - something this person knows well.

At what point is it the disease vs. the person's choices? I have been patient and loving and supportive. During the "good spells," I get the same in return. During the "bad spells," I get hurt, badly.

How do I deal with this?

Answer: Stop taking the bad spells personally.

You know about the depression, you know about the treatment lapse. You know that being close to this person means you will get pushed away periodically and have no say in your return to the fold. Illness, choice, irrelevant; all the information is there.

What you do with it is your choice - end the relationship, or learn (if you can) to detach.

Either one beats the unhealthy route, choosing denial and hoping for change. You can't choose well if you're wounded, reflexively internalizing others' actions as a response to or reflection of you.

If it helps, think of your hopes for change in terms of what someone else might be hoping. You want this person to show respect for your feelings by not disappearing on you, right? But this person might want you to show respect, too, by laying off the pressure to conform to your idea of a relationship.

This is the relationship, yours to love or leave.