Chick Wit: Life in the techno age: Pet pix, boob calls

Technology is a gift from the gods, and everyday I discover a new and important use for my smartphone.

For example, just now I used the camera function as a mirror to put on suntan lotion.

See?

Smart!

And today I got a text from Daughter Francesca, who had taken a picture of her dinner to show me what she made:

Corn salad and filet of sole.

Wow!

And the other day she texted me photos of fresh basil and a bag of kale she bought at the farmer's market.

Cool!

Then in response, I send her three photos of the dogs, licking themselves.

Important!

When I scrolled down to see my recent texts to her, they are: dog photo, dog photo, dog photo, cat photo, and horse photo. Her texts to me are: dog photo, dog photo, dog photo, photo of scrambled eggs breakfast, photo of beans-and-broccoli-rabe dinner, and dog photo.

You can tell we're related.

And only one of us cooks.

Obviously, this is very vital stuff.

I respond to her dog photos, aww, so cute!!! And to the food photos, wow!!! And will you marry me?

And she responds to mine, soooo cute!!! And OMG!!!

We like exclamation marks!! They're free!!

Also we love xoxoxoxoxoxo.

We often send texts that are completely xoxoxoxoxooooo.

So very vital.

The other thing we do is dictate our texts, since we each have a phone that allows dictation.

Cool!

That means our messages will often read something like:

Did you see this pizza abraham lincoln?

It doesn't always translate us properly.

And I hate Siri. Anytime I ask her a question, she tells me how I can look it up on the Internet.

Lazy wench.

Siri, if I wanted to look it up on the Internet, I wouldn't have asked you.

And for all I pay her?

Oh, right.

Also, when I say exclamation mark, my smartphone texts, Excavation Mark.

Not helpful.

Occasionally, we have technical malfunctions. For example, I use one of those ear wires while I'm on the phone, and I don't always have pockets in my clothes, so when I'm talking in the house, I stick my phone in my bra. This works great except when I boob-dial someone, like yesterday.

It was my left boob.

She's trigger-happy.

I think she was trying to call George Clooney.

My right one was texting Bradley Cooper.

The girls are busy.

Only rarely does my butt dial anyone. If you saw my butt, you'd know why. It's lazier than Siri.

Other adventures in technology concern the television, which can be when techno worlds collide. For example, Francesca and I will text each other during a TV show like The Bachelorette because, well, how could you not?

After all, we're both bachelorettes.

Kind of.

And sometimes during the show, we even go on Twitter while we're texting, so we can see what 3,827,827,374 complete and total strangers think about the show.

I feel sure this brings us closer.

To Saturn.

The problem happens when one of us has to go to the bathroom and we push the pause button on the TV, which will stop the TV show, but also throws everything out of sync.

In other words, when we get back on the smartphone/text/Twitter, one of us will be Behind.

Noooo!

Behind is the worst thing you can be in the technology age.

Because smartphones, Twitter, texting, and e-mail are all designed to ensure that we are Ahead.

If you are Behind, you will have to put yourself in Technological Solitary Confinement, or you will find out who did not get a rose during the rose ceremony.

What did we do before we had these smartphones?

We talked to each other.

OMG Excavation Mark.