Election Day: A to Z

A is for Anthony Weiner. Talk about a guy obsessed with his name! The husband of Hillary Clinton's top aide Huma Abedin has been a sexist pig forever. Now he's at a Tennessee rehab facility with horses. Weiner will realize he's tiny, not special.

B is for Bob Brady. Everybody loves Philly Democratic Chairman Brady. But, as with every election, unwinding local corruption has voters sick of incumbents and insiders. Brady is like a Marine climbing Iwo Jima: Pols are falling to prosecutor bullets all around him. He's still headed to the peak.

C is for crabs, because the Republican presidential primary was like crabs in a barrel. As one of the 18 rose toward the top, the others clawed him - and her (Carly Fiorina - back down. America ended up with the nastiest crab Donald Trump. Help, doctor!

D is for democracy, which is slowly fading. Websites, radio and TV have gradually attracted millions of closed-minded ideologues (led by Rush Limbaugh, the late Andrew Breitbart etc.) Democracy is based on compromise. Closed-minded ideologues never compromise.

E is for electricians. The union is headed by John Dougherty, a political activist whose battle often winds up being physical. With Doc now under federal investigation (one of many pols!) we predict no E-Day fights (like one that involved him and later-jailed enemy Vince Fumo.)

F is for Fattah. The Fattah political machine in West Philadelphia is leaderless now that 11-term U.S. Rep. Chaka Fattah has resigned. He'll be sentenced in December for a federal racketeering conviction. Fattah's son, Chip, was sent to federal prison earlier this year in an unrelated fraud case. State Rep. Dwight Evans beat Fattah in the primary and is expected today to win both a full two-year term and a special election to close out Fattah's final term.

G is for greedy. The greedy, ratings-grubbing TV "news" people who turn every election into a festival of irrelevancy. They're the same people who certified the orange charlatan as a political candidate and looked the other way at his outrages until one came up that could boost ratings. Paraphrasing the CBS boss, they may be good for their profits, but they're not good for the country.

H is for Hail! When City Council candidate Rick Mariano arrived at Carlos Matos' 19th ward in Kensington one Election Day, Mariano recalled, "His workers literally put me on their shoulders from my car into the polling place. On Election Day, Carlos was like a general in the military." Sadly, Mariano and Matos later did jail time and Matos' wife, Renee Tartaglione, was indicted. In politics, you're either on top of the mountain or at the bottom.

I is for Ike. "You like Ike, I like Ike, everybody likes Ike!" That's TV's first presidential ad, in 1952. The cartoon elephant pounds a drum with its tail. To see this among the best prez TV ads ever, watch Neil Oxman's C-SPAN: http://cs.pn/2eqhNkO

J is for James Comey. The FBI chief was hated by Trump when he found no Hillary-lawbreaking in July. Then hated by Hillary when he said he might find some in October. On Sunday Comey said he found nothing. Is Comey cockeyed?

K is for Kasich. Republican Gov. John Kasich was a well-regarded leader, a compromiser, a moderate and the best of any GOP presidential candidate. Unfortunately, he is devoid of charisma and bias, so lost miserably. Typically, he's casting a wise man's ballot: A write-in vote for John McCain.

L is for Latino lesson. Latinos are voting more. Trump's anti-Mexican, anti-Hispanic immigrant view could cost him Florida due to increased Latino votes. That would teach a lesson to future candidates.

M is for millennials. They don't like old-fashioned power pols (Hillary) but they reject the Trump-Limbaugh-Breitbart bigotry trio. It would be good for the USA if this election motivates millennials to take action and reform the political system.

N is for nerds. Hillary is all about nerdism. She's smart, boring, devoid of charisma. Trump is all about emotion: Narcissism, hate, paranoia. Which side attracts the most votes?

O is for Ohio. Since 1944, the winner of Ohio lost nationally only once, in 1960 when John F. Kennedy edged Richard Nixon. If either Trump or Hillary wins Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania, they win the White House on a slam dunk.

P is for Panther. Black Panther. OMG! OMG! Will the Panthers be back at a Fairmount polling place? Will they do what they did in 2012, bother no voter, but freakout out-of-town white boys repping Breitbart and Drudge? Stay tuned!

Q is for quotes. We're talking stock quotes. When the FBI chief Comey said Sunday that his latest email readings produced no new evidence against Hillary, stock futures started soaring. On Monday the prices of stocks, oil and the dollar jumped higher. Does that mean Big Business favors Hillary? Or thinks Trump is a lunatic?

R is for Rendell. Former Mayor and Governor Ed Rendell and former President Bill Clinton are charismatic cheatin' twins with an ex-wife and current wife who put up with a lot. Now they can balance their acts by making Hillary president.

S is for shame. As in what a shame that current politics has forgotten us and become little more than nasty personal duels that demean candidates and democracy and offer nothing close to hope or inspiration.

T is for Trump and Twitter, because that's the world he will inhabit after Wednesday, for a requiem of recrimination.

U is for upside. It can happen. Conservative Republican William McKinley won in 1900. But he was assassinated six months after taking office. Vice President Teddy Roosevelt took over. TR attacked monopolies, won in the Supreme Court, created federal environment preservation and ended a huge coal strike, convincing the millionaires to pay workers more. A better president than McKinley ever would've been.

V is for vise, as in "Can the vise between Trump supporters on one side, moderate Republicans on the other, squeeze U.S. Sen. Pat Toomey so hard he gets beat by Democrat Katie McGinty?" Toomey is a quiet conservative who ran moderate Republican Arlen Specter out of the seat. To win now, he better go with the wind. "You don't need a weather man to know which way the wind blows."

W is for women. They can make this a historic day as big as the 1920 day when women were first allowed to vote. Hillary would not only be the first woman president, she could be the first president to fight for women getting equal-rights laws.

X is for the X-factor. If the usually non-voting haters and bigots turn out big, Trump will win Pennsylvania.

Y is for Yikes! As in "Yikes, we're electing another Attorney General" cause the last one, Kathleen Kane, had to quit 'cause she was convicted of perjury and related counts. The GOP has John Rafferty running to replace her. The Dems have Josh Shapiro. Which one wins today will likely be guided by the Hillary-Trump result.

Z is for zoo. The Philadelphia Zoo has no elephants. This poll tells us that Philly favors donkeys. Hillary Clinton will win big in the city.

Gar Joseph, former Daily News assistant managing editor; Richard Aregood, former editor of the Daily News Editorial Page; and columnists Chris Brennan and John Baer contributed to this report.

Email: phillygarrr@gmail.com

Twitter:@CloutPage