Everyone is buzzing with the news that there are hundreds of leaked celebrity nude selfies being posted on the Internet.
Celebrities are leaking, people.
You may have read about it. There are a lot of really pretty models and actresses who are now appearing in various states of undress on the Internet for all to see. It goes without saying this is a terrible invasion of their privacy, and they want to retain the right to invade their own privacy.
Which I get.
I looked at these photos to see what all the fuss is about, and the pictures show these women taking selfies in their camisoles and nothing else, or in their bras and nothing else, or in their underwear and nothing else, and at one point or another, they're all sucking on their fingers.
I have several thoughts.
First, when will the sucking-on-the-finger thing get old?
Ladies, don't do it anymore.
The same goes for sucking on bananas, Popsicles, and straws.
Really, do we not get this yet?
WE GET IT.
It's hard to claim to be a feminist if you're sucking your finger.
Because you can't talk.
Second, I'm trying to understand what the celebrities were thinking when they took these pictures. All I ever read about is celebrities whining that photographers are taking too many pictures of them, or that people on the street are taking too many pictures of them, or that everything is about pictures of them, yet as soon as these celebrities get near an underwire bra or some fresh laundry, they're snapping even more pictures of themselves.
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, CELEBRITIES.
Evidently, there are never enough pictures for celebrities or for all the other knuckleheads who are taking nude selfies all the time.
Does no one have hobbies anymore?
Does no one go for walks?
How about a bike ride?
Or to the library, or the mall?
Why is taking a nude selfie such a compelling activity?
DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED?
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND LOOK DOWN.
And, if you don't want naked pictures of yourself to exist:
DON'T TAKE NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF.
I'm not blaming the victim, I'm being a good mom to the victim.
In a perfect world, nude selfies would be a great idea. But we live in a world that contains Mace, self-defense classes, and the NSA.
AND EVERYBODY ELSE.
And if the celebrity sends the naked selfie she has taken to her boyfriend, is it really that different from every other naked picture she's posed for in magazines, newspapers, blogs, or in about three million other places?
For example, one of the people whose naked selfies were leaked is Kate Upton, a model who has posed topless in lots of places, including Sports Illustrated.
The sports are illustrated, the women are naked.
Maybe the complaint is that she didn't get paid for the nude selfie, as opposed to the nude photo, which I get.
Because another thing that never gets old is money.
IT NEVER GETS OLD.
Another actress said she took a nude selfie of herself for her boyfriend. But here's what I have to say to her boyfriend:
DO YOU REALLY NEED A PHOTO TO REMEMBER WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND LOOKS LIKE?
I mean, how bad is your memory, dude?
Not to mention your imagination?
The celebrity selfies were hacked from the Cloud, which is another thing that's impossible to understand. That movie trailer was right, nobody understands the Cloud, least of all me, and I pay for a yearly Cloud subscription.
Yes, I'm a Cloud subscriber.
The Cloud is supposed to back up my phone, laptop, and desktop computer every time I sync it, but that never works.
Maybe because I don't have any nude selfies of me sucking my finger.
Also sync is now a word.
This is not progress.
Anyway, to stay on point, what I have are three zillion pictures of my dogs and cats doing adorable things, and my bet is the Cloud is full to bursting with such things, so when it starts raining, yes, you guessed it, it will rain cats and dogs.
And nude selfies.
Also, fingers, bananas, and a Popsicle.
And all I have to say is:
STEP AWAY FROM THE SELFIE.