We are grateful for the existence of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. The guy's a hound, OK? No secret about it. He doesn't like condoms; we know this from various tapes. What a leader! He's on trial, as you know, for allegedly consorting with a Moroccan prostitute named Karima el Mahroug, underage at the time, and then covering it up. Tuesday, defense and prosecution teams submitted their witness lists, and among the 78 dignitaries, lady types, and others on Silvio's list was - of course! - George Clooney! Why? Because of newspaper reports that Karima once said she'd seen G-Cloo and gf Elisabetta Canalis at one of Silvio's wild parties. Elisabetta has already told prosecutors it's bunk. George said via a rep: "It seems odd since I've only met Berlusconi once and that was in an attempt to get aid into Darfur." Now, the judge must decide whom to allow. Clooney, lucky stiff, owns a home on the shores of beautiful Lake Como in Italy.

O vows she'll redo The Donald

We love this! And we love


for thinking of this! As the universe is tired of knowing,

Oprah Winfrey

soon will ditch non-cable TV for OWN, her cable thing. But before she goes, she wants to outdo herself once and for all. She's given people cars! Taken them to Australia! What else is there? Give

Donald Trump

a makeover? Hahahaha. Wait - she's


. She says she's in talks with Mr. Bad Combover and Tan-in-a-Can. No word yet. She wants to make over some other big names, too. (Watch out,

Moammar Gadhafi


Petulant, pouty behavior pays again!

Beleaguered bad-boy

Chris Brown

tops this week's Billboard Hot 200 album chart with


, which moved a smart 270,000 units. So if you want to sell CDs, boys and girls, throw a tantrum on or near national TV, as Chris did last Thursday after an interview with

Robin Roberts

on ABC's

Good Morning America

. National tantrums are now part of every recording artist's publicity push. It worked for

Kanye West

; why not for Chris?


is his first numero uno. The rest: (2)

I Remember Me

, by

Jennifer Hudson

, 165K; (3)


, by


, 96K; (4)


, by the


, debuts with 89K; (5)

Hello Fear

, by

Kirk Franklin

, 87K; (6)

Songs for Japan

compilation, 68K; (7)

Vices & Virtues

, by

Panic at the Disco

, 56K; (8)

Sigh No More

, by

Mumford & Sons

, 39K; (9)

Fly on the Wall

, by

Bobby V

, 38K; and (10),


, by

Lupe Fiasco

, 29K.

The top 10 Digital Songs are thusly: "E.T.," by Katy Perry (featuring Kanye West), 254K; (2) "No Sleep," by Wiz Khalifa, 244K; (3) "Just Can't Get Enough," by the Black Eyed Peas, 219K; (4) "S&M," by Rihanna, 166K; (5) the euphemistically titled "Forget You," by Cee Lo Green, 155K; (6) "Born This Way," by Lady Gaga, 146K; (7) "On the Floor," by Jennifer Lopez (featuring Pitbull), 143K; (8) "Look at Me Now," by Chris Brown, 143K; (9) "Blow," by Ke$ha, 126K; and (10) "Next to You," also by Chris Brown, featuring Justin Bieber, 113K.

Rihanna deep red on Rolling Stone

In the Rolling Stone due out Friday, coverperson Rihanna sports a mad red mop, and helps stoke the Chris Brown product rollout - and her own! She sounds very levelheaded. On choosing to ease the restraining order on Brown after his alleged domestic violence against her, she says: "I just didn't want to make it more difficult for him professionally. What he did was a personal thing - it had nothing to do with his career." Surprisingly mature in this Charlie Sheen world. As for her single "S&M," she says she likes sexting, being submissive, and being spanked. We see some volunteer hands up in the back . . . .

Britney gets dumped on

Whereas Chris Brown freaks out on TV, and Rihanna gets red in print,

Britney Spears

, with new album

Femme Fatale

, does . . .


On Tuesday, she sang on

Jimmy Kimmel

's show - but


, professional idiot

Johnny Knoxville

ran a vid of the

Jackass 3D

crew imprisoning Brit in a portable toilet and dumping -


on her. She screams the whole time.


's a career move!

Nothing too small to include

Foxy Brown

was booted off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after wigging out over a missed manicure appointment. She was escorted to her room and later escorted off the boat at the Cayman Islands. . . . Soap-opera queen

Susan Lucci


Brian Kilmeade


Fox & Friends

how to do a soap-opera kiss yesterday. Brian looked happy. . . . Talk about being prepared! Stars like to go to Surplus Value Center in L.A. and buy lots of survival equipment. Niche market! Celebs afraid of the end of the world and wanting a shovel and a pup tent!

Kiefer Sutherland


Leonardo DiCaprio

, and

Angie Harmon

are said (by In Touch Weekly) to be regulars.

Ashton Kutcher

has purchased a "Doomsday kit" - not to cause it, but to survive it when it strikes - of blankets, radios, flashlights. Either A-Kutch is a nut, or they got great salespeople at that place. . . . Rumors are tsunami-ing that

Kim Kardashian

may soon marry basketballer bf

Kris Humphries

. She called Kris her "future husband" in a tweet - stay tuned. . . . Actress

Carey Mulligan

and front man

Marcus Mumford


Mumford & Sons

have been observed being close and connective in England, Scotland, and New York City. Coupledom? . . . Showbiz Spy reports rumors that

Kirstie Alley


Kendra Wilkinson

are both the focus of huge call-in voting efforts to make them the winners of

Dancing With the Stars

. . . . The New York Post says

Charlie Sheen

has been banned from several high-end hotels in New York City, unsurprisingly including the Plaza, site of his rampage last fall. His "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour hits the Big Apple on April 8.

Unnamed Source

says he's looking for a private residence. Whaddya say? Wanna invite him?

This article contains information from Inquirer wire services and websites. Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com.