WHEN TATTLE got an e-mail from Popeater. com yesterday screaming "Charlie Sheen Loses Sons," our first thought was: "Oh, no, he's so wasted he can't find his children!"
Check under a mound of cocaine, dude.
But it wasn't that Charlie had misplaced his twins; it was that police had taken them away.
Ex-wife Brooke Mueller obtained a restraining order to keep Charlie away from her and their sons because, she told police, she was afraid of threats he had made.
The order prompted police to take the twins from Charlie's home Tuesday night and return them to Brooke's care.
She told the court in a filing that the "Two and a Half Men" star had refused to return them. The order, filed Tuesday and obtained by the Associated Press, requires Charlie to stay 100 yards away from Brooke and their twin sons, Max and Bob.
According to a sworn declaration, Brooke said Charlie told her in a phone call Sunday night, "I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!"
Ah, his next show: "Two Men and Seven-Eighths of a Woman."
Brooke also claimed that Charlie had threatened to stab her in the eye with a pen knife, and that he spit on her feet and punched her on the arm during a recent trip to the Bahamas.
At least he didn't behead her in the Bahamas.
Charlie has rarely seen his two boys in the past year, and when he has seen them he's seen four or more of them, but he took the boys on Saturday and refused to return them.
"I am in great fear that he will find me and attack me and I am in great fear for the children's safety while in his care," Brooke wrote.
Earlier, on the "Today" show, Charlie said he was "very calm and focused" about the children's being taken away but was ready to fight to get them back.
Moments after the "Today" interview, he was asked by reporters whether the legal move came out of left field for him.
"It came out of the bleachers, actually," he said. "Yeah, I was told a restraining order was being delivered and I thought, 'OK, I can deal with that.' And it was revealed that it was something much more serious."
Asked why Brooke had gotten the court order, he replied, "It's just silly. I think she's latching on to some of this recent press."
Everybody blames the press. He says he's a "bitchin' rock star from Mars" and it's our fault people think he's crazy.
In the court filing, Brooke, a Charlie enabler of a very high order, states she felt obligated to travel to the Bahamas with Charlie and two young women now living with him. She said that Charlie started the trip in a good mood, but drank on the plane - and from L.A. that's a long flight - and became belligerent on Feb. 23.
Brooke claims Charlie turned a flashlight on in her face, held a pen to her face and threatened to stab her in the eye with a knife. She wrote that she then left the Bahamas and returned to L.A.
Before the fight, Brooke claims, Charlie yelled, "I'm untouchable! I'm Charlie Sheen! I'm more famous than Obama!"
* Mayor Istvan Tarlos says Elvis
Presley will be named a posthumous honorary citizen of Budapest, and a city landmark will be named after him.
Tarlos said Elvis will be commemorated because of his support for Hungary in the wake of the anti-Soviet revolution of October 1956. But even at the end of his life, no matter how many peanut butter and banana sandwiches he ate, Elvis was always Hungary.
* Aretha Franklin says she's lost 85
pounds as part of an ongoing effort to drop weight.
Aretha said in a taped interview that aired yesterday (Part 2 airs today) on "The Wendy Williams Show" that she's been trying to shed pounds ever since looking at pictures of herself and deciding she was "entirely too fat."
* Since the Parents Television Council hasn't been able to get MTV to take "Skins" off the air, the group is now claiming, with the help of FoxNews.com, that parent company Viacom stands to lose as much as $2 million per episode of the show.
That number is almost as absurd as claiming "Skins" is child pornography.
Look, PTC, "Skins" is not a hit. Just let it die of natural causes.
* A day after Christina Aguilera was hauled into the police station for public intoxication, NBC announced that she will join Cee Lo Green and Adam Levine as talent coaches on "The Voice."
Nice timing, peacock.
Alas, too many young singers already want to screech like Christina, who could turn "Do Re Mi" into a 10-minute epic power ballad. How about finding a coach who could channel Ella Fitzgerald?
Daily News wire services contributed to this report.