She'd make a terrific Wal-Mart greeter, don't you think?

Hmm, then again there's that Kabuki Face-lift mask she's always wearing. It'll scare the toddlers silly and might even give grandma a heart attack.

But where else is that fast-talking, sprightly 73-year-old comedian-turned-red-carpet-jockey Joan Rivers, the doyenne of meaningless celeb palaver, the queen of the insufferable 15-second fashion check ("Soooo . . . who're you wearing tonight?") going to get a job, now that she's been summarily fired by TV Guide, where she and her daughter (and Penn alum) Melissa Rivers, worked as Official Red Carpet Hosts? (They're a Coffee-Talk package: Melissa's been sacked too.)

"TV Guide Channel is very appreciative of Joan and Melissa Rivers' contributions" blahblahblah, GuidePrez Ryan O'Hara said. "We wish them the best in their future endeavors." The Rivers ("Cry Me a River," they're dueting right now over cosmopolitans, I bet) are being replaced by Lisa Rinna, the very sexy 43-year-old thesp who has guested on Veronica Mars and hosted SoapNet's Soap Talk.

Land of 1,000 Dances

So, you've finally pulled it off and convinced

Mick Jagger

and his merry

Rolling Stones

pranksters to play their first ever show in Belgrade.

But the only venue that'll fit 100,000 frenzied fans is a racetrack which houses 300 of our equine cousins. What do you do?

(a) Use another venue! (Add a second show, if it's smaller.)

(b) Drug the horses silly so they'll trip out during the show.

(c) Move the horses to a farm for a couple of days.

Show organizers went with . . . (c)!

Serbian hostler Jovanka Prelic said that if the horses get "too nervous or start to panic during the concert" - say, because 100,000 fans will be screaming their gourds off while massive speakers blare Keith Richards' guitar - "they'll get sedatives."

Serbian animal protection society, ORCA, said the concert would be extremely harmful to the horses. It said the concert should be held at a different venue. Choice (a)!

For it's a jolly good fellow

Rolling Stone is 40 years old.

To celebrate its ascendancy in - and eventual conquest of - the music industry, the mag's May 2 issue features interviews with 20 (why not 40?) of "the artists and leaders who helped shape our time." Shapers include Martin Scorsese, Mick Jagger, Jimmy Carter, George McGovern, Jack Nicholson and Steven Spielberg.

First up, the mag's bossman himself, Jann Wenner, tackles shape-shifting culture shaper extraordinaire, Bob Dylan.

Sadly for Wenner, the chat starts out like one of those ridiculous press confabs captured in the '65 Dylan docu film, Don't Look Back. In typical fashion, Bob turns every question back on the journo.

When Wenner asks Bob if there's "a general theme" to Bob's new CD, Modern Times, the troubadour's like, "you would have to ask every individual person who hears it what it would mean."

Gee, thanks, bud.

"I'm trying to interview you, and you're not being very helpful," Wenner huffs later on.

Bob is no fool: "Jann," he asks, "have I ever been helpful?"

(See, Bob's always saying he's not your savior, wise man, teacher, social critic or mom. Stop asking him for meaning.)

But things do get better and Bob even dispenses some wisdom.

Love is pain

USA Today reports that even though

Saturday Night Live

alum

Molly Shannon

, 42, plays a total dog lover in the film

Year of the Dog

, "in real life, they make her sneeze."

Another indictment of the Entertainment Industry's penchant for fakery? I guess.

Despite her pain, Molly took it like a pro, cuddling with dozens upon dozens of mutts at a shelter in Beverly Hills (where homeless dogs have to resort to wearing cubic zirconia 'stead of the real thing).

Since she suffered so to promote her flick, it's only fair you see it.

From darkness comes . . .

. . . light.

C. Vivian Stringer, the Rutgers women's basketball coach whose team has been at the center of a national maelstorm over race and gender for the past two weeks, has a book deal. But this is no flash in the pan nonsense: The deal didn't come about because of the fracas, which was sparked by derogatives spat out by famous radio Idiot Wind Don Imus. Stringer, 59, has been shopping around a proposal to write a memoir - tentatively titled Stepping Up and Standing Tall - since last year.

Terms of her deal with Crown Books has not been released.

Breakup report redux redux

Prince William

, a card-carrying member of

The British Royal Family

, and his five-year g.f.,

Kate Middleton

have broken up, it was confirmed back on Saturday. But postmortem reports keep pouring in daily.

Yesterday, hellomagazine.com was, like, "tennis racquet in hand," Kate "faces the world with spirit and dignity." See, Kate, who is on "compassionate leave" from her job as a fashion buyer, is not hiding out like a crybaby - nor clubbing every night like some desperate succubus (read: Lindsay Lohan). No, Kate's sensibly acting like any happy go-lucky 25-year-old. She's out and about, running errands, available for photogs to shoot her.

We imagine that all the while, like a terrorist cell from Romance Hell, that blackness inside her keeps growing.

A natural at au naturel

"That surprised me - how much I loved and how effortless it has been to pump anywhere in the world." Thus sayeth

Jennifer Garner

, the mother of 16-month-old daughter

Violet

, about one of the delightful discoveries she's made as a new mom.

Ben Affleck's far wiser half, who turned 35 Tuesday, says she's besotted with love, verily "intoxicated" when around her baby.

On a more somber note, Ms. Garner must lose her baby weight and return to doll-like stature, or else: "You're supposed to look a certain way when you're a celebrity, but I want to take care of my baby, and those two things don't mesh very well."

Wiggle has a baby

The superduper coolest Wiggle from Aussie kids band

Wiggles

, Blue Wiggle, is a Daddy Wiggle three times over now. Blue, born

Anthony Field

, and his wife,

Miki

, have welcomed their third child - and first son -

Antonio Carlos

. The boy, who was overdue and weighed 7.7 lbs., joins

Lucia Angela

, 3, and

Maria Claire

, 18 months.

Contact SideShow at sideshow@ phillynews.com. This column contains information from Inquirer wire services

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