'I Am Number Four': Aching alien replaces pining vampire

Tapping into the same vein of teen melodrama that runs through the Twilight franchise, I Am Number Four hurls a moody adolescent from outer space into the halls of a smalltown American high school. Maybe there's a clique of vampires in the cafeteria, but if there is, they're keeping to themselves.

In D.J. Caruso's silly adaptation of the young-adult novel by (the pen-named) Pittacus Lore, an alien with telekinetic powers and the ability to project light from his hands moves to Paradise, Ohio (the name is ironic, judging by the look of things), where he tumbles for the varsity quarterback's girlfriend.

"We don't love like the humans," John Smith (Alex Pettyfer) explains to Sarah (Dianna Agron, from Glee). "For us, it's forever."

Uh-oh, commitment issues.

Of course, there's a band of evil aliens in pursuit of John, who has been running from town to town trying to stay incognito, but he somehow ends up with his picture, and his special powers, all over YouTube and the Internet. His interplanetary guardian, Henri (Timothy Olyphant), cautions him and lectures him like any self-respecting fake dad would do, and then they're off to the next town, and the next pretty girl to fall for the strapping dude with the abs from another planet.

As for the bad guys, they wear long black coats, sport Maori-style tattoos on their bald noggins, have serious dental issues, and carry heavy-duty hardware - and a semi truck full of raging alien beasts. These lugs are called Mogadorians, and they speak a language that requires subtitles. I Am Number Four - it's just like watching Godard.

With clunky dialogue along the lines of "you have no idea what I am capable of" and "a place is only as good as the people you know" and "this is the part I hate the most - the running," I Am Number Four puts the burden on its special effects (passable) and the chemistry between Pettyfer and Agron.

Alas, these two are no Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart - although Stewart's glammed-up doppelganger, Australian Teresa Palmer (soon to be found opposite Topher Grace in the truly dreadful Take Me Home Tonight), shows up as Number Six. Originally, there had been nine altogether - extraterrestrial expats from the destroyed planet Lorien - and they're being hunted down on Earth by those cretinous Mogadorians. But the catch is they can only be killed in sequential order. As I Am Number Four begins, we see Number Three being turned to toast.

Followers of the Westminster Kennel Club competition, which ended this week (for the record, a Scottish deerhound claimed best in show), will be heartened by the key role accorded a beagle in I Am Number Four. Named Bernie Kosar (yes, after the Cleveland Browns star), this is no ordinary pooch, to be sure, but it takes a big fracas in Paradise High's boys room to find out what exactly is up with this especially watchful critter.

And you'll have to wait until the very end, when heart-crushing goodbyes are said and Number Six, in motorcycle leather and supercool shades, impatiently revs up her Ducati, to find out how this Bernie Kosar fared in his all-important playoff against a Mogadorian monster.

Here comes the sequel: I Am Number Four-Legged.EndText