I'm a relationship expert.
Ask me anything.
Just not why I'm divorced twice.
The thing is that when you get to be my age, you start to think you're an expert in many things, including relationships.
Other people's relationships, of course.
Even when the other people are complete strangers.
In other words, I have you pegged even though I don't know you.
This is called wisdom, perspective, and experience.
Or just being a know-it-all.
That's what Mother Mary used to call me. "Don't be such a know-it-all," she would say.
But I couldn't help it.
Because I. Know. It. All.
All moms do.
Mother Mary was a know-it-all, too.
Take it from me, the only people who call you a know-it-all are other know-it-alls who think they know even more than you, which is impossible since there is no more than all.
Anyway, nobody uses the term know-it-all anymore.
Now we have Google, so everybody knows it all.
Or, conversely, nobody knows anything and relies on a computer to know it all.
Anyway, to come to my story, I was at the movies with my best friend, Franca, on Saturday night, as is our custom. We usually meet an hour before the show so we can talk. And, of course at that time, no one else is in the theater, as was the case Saturday night, when we went into the theater, sat down, and talked among ourselves, quite happily.
There was nobody else in the theater for the longest time, until a young couple came in and sat in our row, about six seats away. We had assigned seats, since it was a cushy theater with big seats, which we love.
Correction, which our butts love.
The only thing on the screen was ads for local businesses, since we were so early it wasn't even time for previews. So we ignored the ads, but, evidently, we couldn't be ignored.
Because the guy in the couple shouted over to me, "Would you please stop talking?"
I looked over, confused. I'm super-courteous at the movies, never talking or checking my phone. "It's just the ads. We won't talk during the movie or the previews."
"I told you to shut up, so shut up."
DUDE, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.
No woman in the world likes being told to shut up, especially not one with 61-year-old ovaries.
I said, "We're talking quietly. We're allowed to have a conversation."
"You're ignorant!" he said.
I should have said, On the contrary, I'm a know-it-all. But I didn't.
Instead, I said, "No, you're ignorant," which is an embarrassing comeback for a professional writer, but whatever.
"You better stop talking."
"You better leave us alone."
Mind you, this was a completely empty movie theater except for Franca, me, this jerk, and the young girl whose life he must make miserable. I would have moved but for the assigned seats. He may have felt the same way. We were prisoners of Fandango.
But he shouted, "I can't believe you're not going to stop talking!"
"I can't believe that you don't believe that! Now leave us alone and we'll agree to disagree!"
I turned to Franca to resume our conversation, but both of us had forgotten what we were talking about, since we're both 61.
Then the previews started, and we had wasted our fun talking time.
Which brings me to the relationship part.
All I could do during the movie was think of that girl in the couple. She went red during the shouting match and, at one point, she even covered her face with her hands.
I don't know if she was embarrassed by him or by me, but let's be real.
Who would be embarrassed by me?
Anyway, I felt terrible for her. She was young and cute, and she could be with a man who wasn't trying to control the entire universe.
Much less me.
Good luck with that, sir.
I will cut you for sport.
So, at the end of the movie, being a relationship expert, I wanted to warn the girl. I wanted to tell her not to marry that guy, if she hadn't yet. As the credits rolled, I told Franca about my great idea, that I wanted to go offer unsolicited advice to a total stranger. I was on a rescue mission for someone who might not want rescuing.
Franca advised against. "Don't, honey. It will just start a fight."
And I said, "Or it might finish one."
But Franca was right, as usual, and I didn't do anything.
To a certain extent, I've been that woman - the woman cringing instead of getting out.
It took me a while to get out, but I did and I'm happy every day. I always remember that quote by the late Robin Williams: "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel alone."
And now this is always my relationship advice.
It was even the title of the movie that we were seeing that night: Get Out.
When the universe tells you something, listen.
Look for Lisa and Francesca's humor collection "I've Got Sand in All the Wrong Places" and Lisa's novel "Damaged" in stores now. Also look for Lisa's new domestic thriller, "One Perfect Lie," coming in April.