Morning Bytes | The hidebound among the azaleas

"Welcome to CBS's coverage of the 2007 Masters tournament. Jim Nantz here at Augusta National. Have I mentioned the azaleas yet?

"Today's opening round has just begun and already the course is teeming with patrons, all of whom have removed their hats, genuflected and promised to register Republican.

"Let's go out to Amen Corner where Bobby Clampett will speak in a reverent whisper and, at some point, sacrifice his youngest son."

"Thanks, Jim. Tiger's off to a great start today. He cleared the Eisenhower tree, avoided Rae's Creek, got safely across Hogan Bridge and uttered just two Kinison obscenities."

"OK, Bobby. Can you see the azaleas from your vantage point? How about Jones Cabin? Is the fire going? Green jacket! Green jacket! Green jacket!

"Hold on. I'm being told that something is brewing out on No. 8. Lanny, are you there?"

"I am, Jim. The fairway here is surrounded by green-jacketed security personnel, many of whom are wielding subpoenas and bank statements. Apparently, someone reported having seen a woman on the grounds. That, thank God, turned out to be a false alarm. But from what I understand, they did confirm that a Negro has been spotted in the gallery. I've been assured that Hootie Johnson has a team of hounds out tracking him now."

"Thank you, Lanny. We can only hope for a peaceful resolution.

"Getting back to golf, here's Mickelson on the tee at 3. You might recall that after two players parred this hole last year, Masters officials did a little tinkering. They moved back the tee box, transforming a 410-yard par 4 into a 2,356-yard par 5. They also narrowed the fairway, laminated the green and set loose a pack of wolves.

"Well, it's been 45 seconds since anyone has mentioned Greg Norman's collapse, Gene Sarazen's double eagle or Bobby Jones' syringomyelia, so we're glad to be joined by Augusta chairman Billy Payne. Billy, you did such a great job turning the Atlanta Olympics into an international nightmare, what are your plans for this hallowed ground?"

"Well, Jim, as you know this is a pivotal time for this great club. We're criticized in many quarters over our membership policies. The integrity of the course itself is endangered by advances in technology. And there are constant questions about the fairness of our eligibility requirements."

"So what do you intend to do?"

"Plant a few more azaleas."

Phillies fodder. Some early observations after watching three Phillies games on TV:

These guys press more at home than my laundry-obsessed grandmother.

Morning Bytes will win a Pulitzer before they win the division with that bullpen. In fact, unless they get some relief relief, they'll be lucky to finish at .500. The Braves and other clubs always seem to find flame-throwing hulks to stock their bullpen. The Phils get geeks with change-ups.

With his hands clinging desperately to the dugout's mesh screen as he watches games, Charlie Manuel reminds me of a stir-crazy prisoner. "I'm bustin' outta here, Screws!"

So far, Wes Helms looks disturbingly like David Bell with a less-disciplined swing. Can anyone say "Abraham Nuñez?"

Whose idea was it to conduct in-game TV interviews with players? It cheapens the telecast and the game.

Do they sell tickets to fans over 30?

NASCAR note of the week. You can always count on Dale Earnhardt Jr. for elucidation on some of the sport's most pressing issues.

Last week, Junior was asked to "talk about the mandated changes for [the Car of Tomorrow] and the foam."

"Well, they had the fire this past weekend in the 29, and they made some changes and cut the foam out around the exhaust pipe or put in some kind of a fabricated piece, a square, to keep the foam if it did get hot not to move down or change its form and get down near the pipe."

Questions?