THE SWIM FOR the golden egg has been decided and the winner, as expected, was the odds-on favorite,
When it comes to sperm races, always bet the chalk.
Did anyone possibly think Zsa Zsa's husband's fertilizers would win? And who knows if Howard K. Stern even had an entry.
Whether Stern did or not, once Anna Nicole Smith's fallopian tubes got their egg, it was no contest that Birkhead's hard-charging fellas would hit their target and allow him yesterday to claim Dannielynn as his daughter.
He looked positively giddy, like he'd won the lottery.
Dr. Michael Baird, who analyzed the results of a March 21 DNA test, announced the results outside a Bahamas courthouse. "Essentially, he's the biological father," Baird said.
A jubilant Birkhead said, "My baby's going to be coming home pretty soon."
And if all goes well, child-support payments could be in the neighborhood of $435 million.
* Popping out of the woodwork,
meanwhile, is Anna Nicole's mother, Virgie Arthur, whom TMZ.com reports is still going to fight for custody.
Any judge who would consider giving that woman custody of another child is crazy.
Man gone wild
"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis was arrested yesterday at the Panama City, Fla., airport, according to People and TMZ.com.
Francis was taken into custody by federal marshals to face a contempt-of-court citation after initially defying a federal judge.
He was booked into the Bay County Jail, said Ruth Sasser, the sheriff's spokeswoman, where he is being held without bail.
"His attorneys continue to work toward a settlement," Ronn Torossian, a Francis spokesman, said in a statement.
Francis, who makes an estimated $29 million a year from his breast-baring sex videos, drew the contempt citation during negotiations in a civil suit brought by seven women who were underage when they were filmed by his company on Panama City Beach during spring break in 2003.
Lawyers for the women told Judge Richard Smoak that Francis became enraged during the settlement talks, shouting obscenities at the lawyers and threatening to "bury them." Smoak ordered Francis to settle the case or go to jail.
Negotiations continued with the help of a mediator, but broke down Thursday, and Smoak
issued a contempt-of-court
Francis initially refused to surrender and called Smoak "a judge gone wild."
Torossian told the AP that Francis "surrendered on his own 100 percent." But U.S. Marshals spokesman Dominic Guadag-noli said marshals were monitoring the airport and were tipped to Francis' arrival.
"If he was coming to Panama City to turn himself in," he said, "he was a day late and a dollar short."
Probably the first time he's been a dollar short in awhile.
Francis had said Thursday he would pay almost anything to settle the case to avoid jail time.
Film Fest Update
A historical highlight for today is "Saluting Siegmund Lubin," 7 p.m. at International House (37th & Chestnut streets).
Lubin was a Philadelphia-based film pioneer, producing and distributing silent movies in the early 1900s. To honor Lubin - on the day his former home at 1608 N. 15th St. will receive a historic designation from the state - the Philadelphia International Film Festival will present a selection of his surviving silent films in a live-music setting reminiscent of a 1915 Nickelodeon.
Info and tickets: phillyfests.com.
* If you have tix for the Luda-
cris concert next Wednesday (April 18) at the Liacouras Center, it's been canceled.
Ticketholders who purchased via credit card through ComcastTIX at 1-800-298-4200 or ComcastTIX.com will automatically be refunded the ticket price. For ducats purchased at the Liacouras Center box office or the Student Center box office, refunds are available only at the original place of purchase.
* "Extra" reported last night
that "Boston Legal" co-star Julie Bowen went into labor yesterday afternoon - on the set.
Stars William Shatner and James Spader broke the news about Bowen's water breaking.
Guess that means new carpets at Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
(For those of you who watch, the baby is Brad's.)
* The historic Tennessee home of the late Johnny Cash was destroyed by fire yesterday while construction crews were working to restore it.
No injuries were reported.
Cause of the fire was not reported, but investigators believe it spread quickly because workers had recently applied a flammable wood preservative to the exterior of the house.
The property had been purchased by the Bee Gees' Barry Gibb in January 2006.
* One more woman hurt by Don
Imus' "nappy-headed" comments? His wife, Deirdre.
Deirdre's first book, "Greening Your Cleaning," was to hit stores yesterday and kick off a TV publicity blitz, but her hubby's bad week may have put some of those TV appearances into question.
* Florida Gov. Charlie Crist is
being asked to pardon the late Jim Morrison, lead singer of The Doors, 38 years after he was convicted of exposing himself during a Miami concert.
Dave Diamond, an Ohio TV producer, wrote to Crist last month asking for the pardon. Diamond said the goal is to remember the Melbourne, Fla., native as an artist, not a rock 'n' roll bad boy with a rap sheet.
Crist is an alum of Florida State, which Morrison attended.
"Well, given that fact, I'm certainly willing to review it," he said.
Good thing Morrison wasn't a Gator. *
Daily News wire services contributed to this report.