Did you know that a few local men cuddle together to heal trauma and access emotional security? I’m not kidding. My colleague Aneri Pattani had the story the other day.

Apparently the Men’s Therapeutic Cuddle Group (it sounds like fake news) shows men new ways to express themselves.

Male bonding is not new. Way back, a group of Neanderthals had a cuddle session, but they kept biting one another in the neck, so they stopped. Instead, they organized society into hunters and gatherers, with men as the hunters.

That was dumb, because of cold weather and saber-toothed tigers. The women sat around the fire, laughed, and braided one another’s hair. And so it went for 40,000 years.

Then academics invented male toxicity and discovered non-binary gender assignment.

But now that we have male cuddling, let’s put together a cuddling group for some well-known Philly guys.

Could cuddling heal the fragile Flyers? No, they’re too far gone. They need a safe space where they can put on pajamas, play with puppies, and eat pudding.

More likely cuddle candidates are Fran Dunphy and Phil Martelli, recently discarded as Temple and St. Joe’s men’s basketball coaches, respectively. I picture them clinging to each other like koala bears to salve the pain.

Mayor Jim Kenney should be voted into the group because he admits he’s always on the verge of tears. Next to sanctuary city, his favorite position is fetal, and his staff says he has 30 different emotions ranging from sad to stubborn to lonely.

Jim Kenney, before he was mayor, having a bad hair day at the late Philly bon vivant Henri David's Halloween party
Stu Bykofsky/Staff
Jim Kenney, before he was mayor, having a bad hair day at the late Philly bon vivant Henri David's Halloween party

If Lenny Dykstra is out of jail at the moment, he can use a hug from Mitch Williams, like the one he got at a 2015 sports roast. The coverage focused on their angry exchanges, but they hugged at the end.

Lenny Dykstra in a moment of relative calm
YONG KIM / Staff Photographer
Lenny Dykstra in a moment of relative calm

Union leader John “Johnny Doc” Dougherty and City Council member Bobby Henon might go for a hot-tub session, and let’s throw Darrell Clarke in there for good measure. Picture them sponge-washing one another’s backs.

City Council President Darrell Clarke (left) shakes hands with Electrical Workers Union Head John Dougherty during a private fund-raiser at La Famiglia Ristorante in Old City in 2014.
Yong Kim / Staff photographer
City Council President Darrell Clarke (left) shakes hands with Electrical Workers Union Head John Dougherty during a private fund-raiser at La Famiglia Ristorante in Old City in 2014.

Give a summons to ex-Traffic Court-judge-turned-convict Willie Singletary, who is aching because his felony conviction means he can’t run for City Council. In addition to that emotional scar, his ego was crushed when he reportedly showed pictures of his willie to a woman on his staff who was not impressed.

Former hot-dog-vendor-turned-state-senator-turned-felon T. Milton Street is always seeking attention, and a job at the public teat. He’d enjoy a cuddle if he could make a buck off it.

Philadelphia Parking Authority Board Chairman Joe Ashdale needs some love. Why? Because he is the chairman of the most hated agency in the commonwealth. Bouncing on a bed with a bunch of bus drivers might help.

Now you are wondering if I will participate. Me cuddle? Sometimes yes. That’s why I have a girlfriend. Or a wife. (Never simultaneously.)

From my male friends, I’ll take a chilled mug, not a warm hug.

Besides, everyone loves me.