The stress of being lied to | Lisa Scottoline

I just got back from my stress test, which, these days, feels redundant.

I think the whole country is under a stress test.

Usually I’m the comic relief to politics, but when the government shuts down and Republicans, Democrats, and independents can’t agree on anything, it’s not easy.

In other words, these are the times that try women’s souls.

And it's only a coincidence that the doctor ordered a stress test for me.

Meanwhile, I could have told him I was stressed. We didn’t have to test it.

We're all stressed, aren't we?

I am, are you?

I think we should have a test for people who aren’t stressed. We can call it the no-stress test.

Anybody who passes the no-stress test these days is someone I want to meet. Because nothing bothers them.

They’re the coolest cucumbers in the batch.

Or perhaps they lack a brain altogether.

Or a heart.

Because if you love this country, as I'm sure you do, you can’t be happy about the way things are going, regardless of whether you lean left or right.

The government is leaning so far over that it fell down. And now we have a Congress that makes nobody happy.

You’ve heard the saying, “You can’t please all of the people all of the time,” and that’s exactly true.

But we need a new saying, like, “You can’t please any of the people any of the time.”

That's an accomplishment.

And in the middle of all this, I just came back from my stress test, and I’m happy to report that my heart is still beating. So there is a positive side!

And I have excellent blood pressure, when I don't think about global warming.

Which gets me hot under the collar.

The thing about a stress test is that it’s the only medical examination you have to work out for.

They even tell you to wear workout clothes.

I myself have no such clothes.

I have yoga pants, because I'm a suburban woman.

And I have fleece, because it's my hibernation wear.

I actually bought a running bra for the stress test.

I wanted to make a nice impression.

Or two of them.

But I didn't use deodorant or perfume, because they told me that somebody in their office is allergic, so I shouldn't use either.

Now it’s time to get real with the medical establishment.

I'm not going to talk about health care, insurance, or anything important.

I’m the comic relief, remember?

I'm talking about the fact that I have taken various medical tests, and every time, various medical offices have told me not to wear deodorant or perfume because “someone in the office is allergic.”

I bet you've heard that, too.

What is going on here, really?

I smell a conspiracy, don't you?

(Probably because it’s not wearing deodorant.)

It doesn't stand to reason, which is the only test we have for lies.

Lies don't make sense.

So let’s stress-test this lie.

It can't be that the same allergic radiologist is running around to operate different machines all over the hospital. And surely not every radiologist is allergic to deodorant and perfume.

What must be happening is that they don't want us to wear deodorant or perfume, but they won't tell us why.

So they make up a lie.

Which they don't have to do, at least for me.

Because I follow the rules.

And I hate being lied to.

In fact, I divorce being lied to.

Unfortunately, I can't divorce my government.

I would forgo deodorant and perfume if they told me to.

I never wear deodorant these days because I'm not sweating enough.

You have to work out to sweat.

I don't bother with perfume because I don't care enough.

No matter what I smell like, I am loved. By dogs.

The cat is lukewarm.

Which is also redundant.

But because they lied, it got me wondering. What is the secret reason that we can’t wear deodorant or perfume?

WHY?

What are they covering up?

WHAT?

Surely there is a congressional committee that can investigate this matter, or records we can subpoena.

WHO?

Also, WHOM?

What does the medical establishment have against deodorant and perfume?

Or will the radiologist just get sick of smelling all the different smells?

And if that's the way the radiologist really feels, why don't they let us wear the deodorant, so they don't smell our body odor?

Or let us use unscented deodorant?

Or unscented perfume?

Maybe there really is a Deep State?

Look for Lisa and Francesca’s humor collection, “I See Life Through Rosé-Colored Glasses,” and Lisa’s number-one best-selling thriller, “After Anna,” and her Rosato & DiNunzio novel, “Feared,” in stores now. Also look for Lisa’s new novel, “Someone Knows,” coming April 9. lisa@scottoline.com.