New things we don’t need in aviation | Lisa Scottoline

I just heard about a great new invention that I plan on avoiding.

Let’s see if you feel the same way.

I read online that there is going to be a major improvement in airline travel.

Cheaper ticket prices?

Not on your life.

On-time departures?

Ditto.

Legroom?

Drink more.

No, what is about to happen is that air travel is going to new heights.

Sorry.

I just read there is a company about to make airplanes without any windows at all, and instead of windows, they are going to place cameras outside the aircraft and project the actual sky on the inside of the airplane. In other words, you’ll be flying through the air feeling exactly like you’re flying through the air.

I’m sure there are people who will love this. I’m not one of them.

I would just as soon have them tie me to a big string and suspend me from the moon than put me in a plane that gives the illusion of flying through the air.

In fact, if they make me take a plane like that, I am going to squeeze my eyes shut the whole time, put duct tape over my eyes, then sunglasses on top of that, plus a bag on top of my head so there’s no chance I could see anything.

I cannot imagine flying in such a plane.

I will never set foot on such a plane.

They say they’re doing it because it will save money on fuel costs, and that, evidently, the reason planes are so heavy is to accommodate windows that have to be thick, but if the plane doesn’t have any windows, the actual shell of the plane can be thinner.

Meanwhile, have you ever once thought, “This airplane window is too thick for my liking”?

Or better yet, “Why can’t I have a thinner airplane wall?”

Especially because the wall is all that keeps you from life without oxygen, which, as I understand it, is even more necessary than Bradley Cooper.

I mean, is there anybody who wants to ride around in a Ziploc bag at 30,000 miles up?

Again, not me.

I’m all for saving on fuel, but if they make me do this, I’m going to pay to fill up myself.

Hell, I’ll buy everybody premium.

I’ll do whatever it takes.

And I have a rewards card.

I love my rewards card so much.

It's the best marriage I ever had.

It's certainly the longest, and the cheapest.

But to return to point, I just want a normal plane with a window that I’d never have to look out of and can turn away from at every opportunity.

Can you imagine flying through a storm and actually seeing lightning striking beside the plane?

Or seeing the other planes in the sky, which look way too close for comfort?

Or how about geese that fly into the engines?

Or whatever flies out?

And while we’re at it, why don’t we just put the camera in the cockpit, so we can watch the pilots drink?

Just kidding, pilots.

Or how about a camera in the bathroom?

I would rather watch a stranger on the toilet than me flying through the air.

Honestly, my entire second marriage was watching a stranger on the toilet.

Anyway, I don’t want to be anywhere in the atmosphere, and my conviction was only confirmed this morning when I woke up, went outside, and saw two hot-air balloons flying over my house.

You could not pay me to take a hot-air balloon ride.

I have my own hot air and I keep it on the ground.

The balloons were close enough that a guy actually yelled down to me, “Hey, what’s for breakfast?”

Then he pulled some lever that made fire flare up into the balloon.

I yelled to him, “You, if you’re not careful!”

Proving that I’m everybody’s mother, and I need to get out more.

I can’t imagine wanting to take a hot-air balloon ride anywhere.

The only thing worse than being up in the sky is being up in the sky with fire.

If the airlines want to lighten their load, they should stop lightening our wallets.

Look for Lisa and Francesca’s humor collection, “I See Life Through Rosé-Colored Glasses,” and Lisa’s number-one best-selling thriller, “After Anna,” and her Rosato & DiNunzio novel, “Feared,” in stores now. Also look for Lisa’s new novel, “Someone Knows,” coming April 9. lisa@scottoline.com.