Bob Ford: Mark, before we get started, a quick question: What's with this SaberCats thing and ArenaBowl? When you play indoor football, is there NotEnoughSpace?

Mark Purdy: Bob, if you lived in one of the fabled Original 26 AFL cities, as I do, you would never ask such ignorant questions. The SaberCats have been in San Jose since 1995, which makes them almost as old as Miley Cyrus. They have won three ArenaBowl championships, a veritable dynasty. They are called the SaberCats because saber-toothed tigers once roamed our area, before giving way to more aggressive mammals such as Steve Jobs. The team has carved out a niche here in Silicon Valley, home of the future. I realize that's a foreign concept to Philadelphia sports fans, who are trapped in the past, just like their city. When was the last time a Philly team actually won a title? When Miley Cyrus' great-grandmother was in diapers?

Ford: You miss the point, perhaps the extra point as well. Why weren't those roaming mammals - were there roaming charges? - called the SaberToothed Tigers? Here in the CradleOfLiberty, we apologize for not being early to the AFL party along with you guys and, let's see, Bismarck, Tarpon Springs and Yahoo Junction. It is true that the last championship in Philadelphia was a while back. And there is some debate as to whether tomorrow's game would break that shutout streak. But at least we don't cheat, and that's what I hear about your boys.

Purdy: Cheaters? Our wholesome little football team? Excuse me while I pause for a swig of irony. You are from Philadelphia, a city where scandals are part of the scenery, and you are pointing fingers? Every time I read about Philly, there's a mayoral scandal or a school scandal or a police scandal. What, exactly, are you accusing our stalwart young 50-yard warriors of doing? Illegal end-zone netting?

Ford: Well, we hear things. We hear that the SaberCats, owned by reclusive extension-cord salesman John Fry, find creative ways around the league's strict salary cap. We hear that the championship rings handed out recently - rings that can be pawned for a quick $30K - are really under-the-table bonuses. We know about the fines for distributing cowbells in the arena and for refusing to put microphones on certain players. Here in Philadelphia, where everything is on the up-and-up, we can only shake our heads. Our beloved Soul even fly commercial. The SaberCheaters are on Mr. Fry's private plane. We cluck our tongues.

Purdy: So, in other words, you're jealous. Fine. Here is a suggestion: If you don't want a team's owner to buy championship rings, just don't let the team win a championship. You are correct about John Fry being a secretive owner. He owns a chain of electronics stores and is a seriously stealth dude. He is also our newspaper's biggest advertiser. So did I mention that there are several fantastic hands-free cell-phone earpieces on sale at Fry's this week? The Soul's owner, Bon Jovi, might want to buy one. Then he could call up someone to write him his first hit song in, what, two decades? What's going to be the key in tomorrow's game? E-flat or B-sharp?

Ford: Grapes be sour, my friend. Our owner is cooler than yours. Uh, did Mr. Hands-Free pack Central Park last weekend for a concert? Didn't think so. Good groveling on your part, though. As for the suggestion about preventing the SaberChokers from winning a championship, please remember that this is the first year we even knew there was an ArenaBowl. It will be our pleasure to extend a personal thank-you to your market-crashing-silicon-

slashing-economy-bashing community. Mr. Don't Take My Picture doesn't have to worry about the $30K championship rings this year.

Purdy: When did this turn into a rock-and-roll chat room? You probably don't realize that the Grateful Dead played its first gig ever in San Jose. As did the Doobie Brothers. And the clincher: Smash Mouth is also from San Jose. In a football game, that's the band you want on your side. Also, Bob, I have accumulated a vast amount of arena-ball knowledge in the five or six SaberCats games that I've actually seen over the last 14 years. Guess what? The field may be shorter and narrower, but the quarterback is still the biggest man on the field. And the SaberCats have the game's best playoff quarterback. His name is Mark Grieb. In his last seven postseason starts, he has completed over 70 percent of his passes. He has thrown zero interceptions in his two previous ArenaBowl starts, both victories. How are the Soul going to stop him? Bon Jovi had better get ready to sing that dippy song for the brokenhearted.

Ford: Well, the Doobie Brothers. As the city that hosted the Continental Congress that signed the Declaration of Independence, the city that witnessed the flowering of Benjamin Franklin, not to mention the Sound of Philadelphia, we certainly don't want to throw down with San Jose. However, our quarterback is merely the quarterback of the year in the AFL. His name is Matt D'Orazio. He replaced another MVP, Tony Graziani. If D'Orazio goes down, I think Stallone comes in. We're not worried about your Grieb fellow. By the way, did the mayors make a bet? I love it when the mayors make a bet.

Purdy: Me, too. But I'm not sure either mayor knows this game is being played. And when I look at all that stuff you listed about Philadelphia - a city I honestly enjoy visiting - I notice that most of it happened more than 200 years ago. Freedom was a cool invention, I grant you. But in Silicon Valley and San Jose, America's 10th-largest city, we are responsible for the iPod, the personal computer, TiVo, Google, Yahoo!, and probably some sort of imminent gizmo that's going to change our lives forever although it doesn't have a name yet. I like where I live. Same for you, I guess. If the mayors aren't going to bet, you and I should. What are you going to put up?

Ford: Let's see. I have a Carolina Rage bobblehead and a Fort Worth Cavalry beer-can cozy. I offer all the joy that an Arena Football League championship can bring a city. We're braced. Et vous?

Purdy: A hands-free cell-phone earpiece. Are we done now?

Ford: Best of luck, you SlimyCheater.

Purdy: Yes, we're done. Same right back at you. About the luck, I mean. But I know how this is going to turn out. As your owner says, you are halfway there, livin' on a prayer. But by my reckoning, on a 50-yard field, that's only 25 yards. Enjoy the game.

Bob Ford:

ArenaBowl

at 3 p.m. in New Orleans

San Jose SaberCats

vs. Soul

TV/Radio: 6ABC; ESPN-AM (950).