The NBA Draft Lottery is tomorrow. I am full of excitement. Best case: The Sixers get a top 3 pick. Worst case: We get to see what kind of Morey-esque maneuvering General Manager Excel Spreadsheet Sam Hinkie does with the 11th pick and two high second-rounders. Dance for me, Spreadsheet.
I'd been wondering who the Sixers would send to the Lottery for a while now and I'm just getting around to writing this article after Adam Aron already announced via twitter that he and Josh Harris would be the ones to represent the Sixers in what should really be a double-elimination Ping-Pong tournament. Well, that sucks. Not that I don't love me some Josh Harris (and Adam!), but it's not a flashy choice at a time when they could have taken the opportunity to get funky in their first Lotto as owners.
So I've got better choices for them to consider post-hoc and years to come.
I know what you're thinking. Why have Spencer represent the Sixers when he will be here AT MOST one more season and hopefully not even that? Deliver an ultimatum. Spence, if you don't get us a top three pick, you become a free agent. If you do, here's $5 million extra. No downside.
This is legal and plausible and not to be questioned.
A TI-83 Calculator
For a few reasons. One, HINKIE NUMBERS BITCH. Two, the odds of the Sixers winning one of the three spots add up to 2.9%, so the calculator's totally on top of that. Three, you can spell BOOBS on it.
Because there's no way Doug can not play the rookie the Sixers draft, since they won't have drafted him yet. It's the perfect plan! Plus, the self-aggrandizing quotes would be just delightful.
Having a mostly personality-vacant person as the job-stripped Face of the Franchise tickles me.
And here are just a few other options:
- Efthimios Rentzias
- an orange
- a first edition VHS of Clear and Present Danger
- Lenny Dykstra
- Vrnan Maxwall
- Adam Aron's Twitter Account
- Howard Eskin
- double-sided tape
- Madam Pomfrey via FaceTime from the hospital wing.
- Helen the new Sixers mascot, who is just a well-put-together woman that's considering retirement from her middle-management job, but her oldest son is about to start college and she could really use the money because her husband is an electrician and work these days is spotty at best but he's hoping the summer will bring good things for them as a family because recently they had to rent out their shore house in Long Beach Island where they used to go every weekend with a family friend but ever since her and her husband got divorced, they've really lost touch with the exception of a birthday card or the occasional text. So she probably won't retire just yet.
NBA LOTTERY TOMORROW OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.