Gonzo: Sixers' revival no help at all

Dear Sixers,

You're a modern medical miracle. When word spreads, physicians all over the world will want to study you.

After showing no pulse or heart(beats) of any kind for the first few months of the season, you've suddenly and amazingly come back to life to win four straight. Frankenstein didn't hop off the table that abruptly. And because the NBA Eastern Conference is weaker than an octogenarian with clogged arteries and emphysema, you're just 41/2 games off the pace for the eighth and final playoff spot.

It's astounding stuff. You're like the NBA's version of Gary Busey - that you're still alive and breathing defies all logic.

Which brings us to the point: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Clearly you've seen too many movies where the patient is getting charged with a defibrillator as he walks toward the light and his friends and family exclaim earnest, cringe-inducing clichés like "fight, damn you!" You really ought to look around the Wachovia Center sometime. No one is begging you to hold on for us.

Quite the contrary, actually. Feel free to give up. We're fine with it. Really.

With each insignificant win, you inch closer toward the mediocre, middle-of-the-pack muck you've ensconced yourselves in for the last few seasons. Two years ago, you finished two games below .500, made the playoffs, then got bounced in the first round. Last year, you finished with a .500 record, made the playoffs, then got bounced in the first round. Starting to see an uninspiring pattern here?

You're 19-31, and, remarkably, you could reach the postseason again. You probably think that matters - as though getting smacked in front of a national TV audience is somehow more commendable and meaningful than getting smacked on Comcast SportsNet during the regular season. It isn't. The only thing it would really mean is that you will have once more aced yourselves out of a better draft pick. There are people in vegetative comas who demonstrate better cognitive reasoning than that.

The sad part here is that a few more wins might persuade Ed Stefanski not to pull the plug on you. Just when we thought he would adopt the do-not-resuscitate order we've all begged him to implement, just when we thought he might trade Andre Iguodala and whomever else he could unload for expiring contracts, you have to ruin things by wiggling your toes just enough to give him hope. That's beyond mean. The poor guy needs to move on. We all do.

Unfortunately, it's hard to say goodbye and plan for the future while you're vainly clinging to what little life you have. That's absurd. Dylan Thomas was an idiot. Forget what he said. By all means, go gentle into that good night.

Sincerely,

Somewhere, Buddy Ryan is having a good chuckle: Jimmy Johnson has signed an endorsement deal with a "male enhancement" product called ExtenZe and will begin doing appearances for the company this week. If you're lucky and attentive, you'll also see the former Cowboys coach in television commercials. Set your DVRs. You'll want to keep the TV spots for posterity.

There are some really great lines in the press release (which, incidentally, includes the hilarious, subtle promise that Johnson is set "to go the distance" for the product). Here's a quick sample: "I believe in using every performance edge you have, as does ExtenZe," Johnson said. "ExtenZe theme is maximizing performance, and I am pleased to be with a company that's the biggest in its market segment."

And I believe they must be paying him an obscene amount of money to get him to sign off on quotes like that. Selling your pride ought to fetch a handsome sum.

Someone forgot to tell the oddsmakers that the Eagles are the NFL's gold standard. According to Bodog.com, the Colts (13/2), Chargers (8/1), Patriots (10/1), Saints (10/1), Steelers (11/1), Cowboys (12/1), Packers (12/1), and Vikings (12/1) all have better shots to win the 2011 Super Bowl than the Birds. For the curious (or masochists) among you, the Eagles were listed at 16/1 to bring home the next Lombardi Trophy. . . . Is MTV really considering having the second season of The Jersey Shore in Miami or Vegas or some place that isn't, you know, in Jersey? That has to be a bad joke, right? . . . Don't forget: Our weekly exercise in collective public dysfunction - the "Ask Gonzo" online chat - is tomorrow at 1 p.m. on Philly.com. Potential topics: the Winter Olympics, the NBA all-star weekend, and whether it's OK (hint: it's not) for one of my almost-40 friends to have a Miley Cyrus "Party in the USA" ringtone on his cell phone. Hide your children. Things are worse than we thought. . . . Rest in peace, Tom Brookshier.