If the Philadelphia Phillies were your favorite Disney songs
Here's this week's column from our friend Zoo With Roy, which compares Phillies players to Disney songs, because as a fan, everything relates to sports.
Have you ever watched the Phillies? Have you ever watched a Disney movie?
Have you ever watched a Disney movie with your kids instead of watching the Phillies game?
Have you ever watched the Phillies game instead of watching a Disney movie with your kids?
Odds are you answered "yes" to more than one of these questions, and that's a good thing. Unless you answered "yes" to the last one. Then you should stop reading this and go spend time with your kids.
In fact, you should read this with your kids. It will help them learn about the Phillies in terms they can relate to.
That's right, it's the Philadelphia Phillies as your favorite Disney songs.
Ben Revere is "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid
A joyful, excited number, at times you’ll find yourself so caught up in the emotion that you lose sorts with the frenzy of words and just get swept away by the happiness of it all. Also, ever since thinking this I’ve been reading Ben Revere's tweets in Sebastian's voice and it cracks me up.
Kyle Kendrick is "Just Can't Wait to be King" from The Lion King
This precocious cub is surrounded by bigger animals always telling him what he can and can't do (start), and he's had enough! I suppose this also makes Rich Dubee Zazu and the commenters on this post the hyenas in the elephant graveyard, which is all the better.
Everybody look left
Everybody look right
Everywhere you look I’m
Standing in the SPOTLIIIIIIIGGGGHHHTTT!
Cliff Lee is "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King
It means no worries, and Cliff Lee ain’t care. You know, whatever. It is what it is. That’s baseball. Extending the comparison for the sake of character alignment, Cliff pulled a Pumba and basically farted in the Yankees’ faces during his free-agency courtship.
Darin Ruf is "A Whole New World" from Aladdin
A doe-eyed, fresh-faced (26-year-old) kid becomes enthralled with the magic of the Major Leagues. It’s literally a whole new world. Don’t you dare close your eyes. Oh, and wait until he goes “over, sideways and under” trying to catch a routine fly ball to shallow left. I kid. Hold your breath, it gets better...
John Mayberry is "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid
This is a layup, because he wants to boink mermaids. At this point I should probably just end this column. But no! We soldier on. Because you deserve it.
Michael Young is "Be Prepared" from The Lion King
Because he’s not that good at catching a baseball (I’m told). And, like Scar, he may also be a serial killer. I’d now like to take this opportunity to apologize to Michael Young, because frankly I don’t know all that much about him and really I’ve based my entire opinion on him thus far on one intense photograph taken by Yong Kim:
Roy Halladay is "When You Wish Upon a Star" from Pinocchio
One of the most iconic and perfect songs ever created. This timeless gem won the Academy Award for best song, just as Roy Halladay will most likely win the 2013 NL Cy Young Award. Whenever you see fireworks, feel any sort of warmth, or a deep, spiritual connection to the universe, both Roy Halladay and this song automatically pop into your head.
Chase Utley is "The Circle of Life" from The Lion King
Just as King Mufasa explains to Simba during that heartwarming father-son moment that foreshadows Mufasa’s death, all men must eventually come to grips with their mortality. But wait. No. NO! I refuse to accept it! Chase’s body is fully healed and he’s going to OPS .950 and make 100 diving plays this yearrrrrrr, MUFASAAAAAA!!!
Cole Hamels is "Beauty and the Beast" from Beauty and the Beast
Now hear me out, Philly.com readers, before you immediately skip ahead and post something frighteningly derogatory in the comments section. Cole Hamels, 2008 World Series MVP and world famous philanthropist, has been dominant on the mound (you might say even beastly, duh) over the past three seasons. He was far and away the Phillies’ best pitcher last season, as much as it pains me to say it. And yes, he also is fabulously chic, extraordinarily wealthy, has a gorgeous wife, a heart of gold beneath a quirky exterior, and - most of all - looks great in purple:
Pat Burrell is "He’s a Tramp" from Lady and the Tramp
High five it bro.
Jimmy Rollins is "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
If there’s a Disney character that matches the confidence and (dare I say it?) swag of J-Roll, it’s Gaston. His song follows suit. No one’s slick as Gaston, No one’s quick as Gaston, No one rocks those fresh Jordan's and sticks like Gaston!
Domonic Brown is "Reflection" from Mulan
Our poor protagonist struggles mightily to find an identity - a self - that pleases those around him. Only with each well-intentioned attempt comes error. Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Keep fighting, young warrior. In battle you will find yourself, and I believe that you will one day soon bring us honor.
Also, his reflection looks like this:
The former is evident enough - Ruiz is best friend to the Phillies collection of aces with his flawless defense and impeccable calling of games. Plus, Roy made that commercial with the Chooch pillow and that’s kind of like a toy, right?
The latter? It may have been an amphetamine reference. ZOINKS. Doesn’t matter, though, Chooch. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. We stick together and we see it through.
Ryan Howard is "The Second Star to the Right" from Peter Pan
Everyone’s talking about Chase Utley, but Howard’s ability to come back, contribute, and generally not die will play a big role in the Phillies getting back to the playoffs. Right, renowned baseball writer and former front office big wig Keith Law?
Question: When and where is Ryan Howard good?
Ryan also throws to second base like he has a hook on his left hand.
Charlie Manuel is "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" from Cinderella
So let me get this straight: A portly senior spouts a bunch of nonsense that nobody can decipher, thoroughly transforms a heretofore standard collection of characters, and leads them to what we will forever hold as the most magical of storybook endings?