Some New Year's resolutions to make things better in 2013

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Newly acquired Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Ben Revere talks during an MLB baseball media availability at Citizen's Bank Park, Thursday, Dec. 13, 2012, in Philadelphia. (Matt Rourke/AP)

I was visited on Christmas Eve by the Ghost of Quarterbacks Past - Bobby Hoying, Ty Detmer, Koy Detmer, Mike McMahon, John Reaves and even King Hill. It was truly frightening, for each of them started with some degree of promise and then came crashing and burning to a horrifying end.

The Ghost of Quarterbacks Present showed me nothing new - Michael Vick and Nick Foles having good moments and bad moments. Being a typical

Eagles fan, I refused to go back to sleep, for fear I would be visited by the Ghost of Quarterbacks Future.

I simply couldn't risk spoiling Christmas Day, our first Christmas with my grandson, Dean, a future Birds fan who has yet to experience the agony of defeat. So I decided to think positively and come up with New Year's resolutions for some of our leading warriors, which, if kept, would enhance our chances of championship glory.

Ben Revere: Hit a home run. Good Lord, I will be playing in the Bank, and Betty White could go yard there.

Nick Foles: I will take dancing lessons. Fred Astaire never got sacked!

Andrew Bynum: I will not bowl again until the Sixers win it all.

Andy Reid: I will not do a "better job" next year for whichever NFL team I am coaching.

Michael Vick: If I play against the Eagles next year, I will turnover the ball no fewer than four times.

Bryce Brown: If I play for the Eagles next year I will not turnover the ball four times all year.

Jeffrey Lurie: I will be bold and bring in a proven NFL head coach and not require him to take orders from Howie Roseman.

Howie Roseman: I will realize that Howie is not a good name for an NFL GM and will change it to Rock.

Rex Ryan: I will find a new profession.

Mark Sanchez: I will follow my coach.

Phil Martelli: I will teach my players proper digital dexterity.

Jrue Holiday: I will watch Steve Nash play the game.

Spencer Hawes: I will mangle at least one guard who tries to drive the lane.

Mychal Kendricks: I will grow 4 inches.

DeSean Jackson: I will try to emulate Brian Westbrook and happily returns punts next year.

Bill O'Brien: I will stay at Penn State, no matter how much money I am offered.

Bernard Hopkins: I will not fight again, because my legacy as one of history's greatest boxers is secure.

Chooch Ruiz: I will duplicate last year's performance to prove I don't need any help.

Charlie Manuel: I will learn Spanish and use it for all my postgame interviews; it will probably be easier to understand.

Jayson Werth: I will learn all the words to "Philadelphia Freedom."

Ruben Amaro Jr.: I will trade Jeffrey Lurie for a righthanded bat - oops, I can't do that, can I?

John Lannan: I won't be afraid of pitching at the Bank, because I won't be facing the Phils.

Chase Utley and Ryan Howard: We will stay healthy,

because even last year, the Phils went 44-34 when we were both in the lineup, so this year, the sky's the limit if we are 100 percent.

Gary Bettman and Don

Fehr: We will both quit our jobs, thereby saving hockey as a professional sport!

Ray Didinger: If the Eagles start off 3-0, I will not be a

Diddy Downer and call for a

"REALITY CHECK."

Doug Collins: I will somehow take a similarly mediocre group of players farther into the playoffs than I did last year.

Adam Aron: I will definitely find a suitable mascot for the Sixers - no moose, no crocodile, no soft pretzel, no cheesesteak.

Cliff Lee: I will triple last year's win total this year.

Jason Peters: I promise to be a couch potato in the offseason this year.

Kimmo Timonen: If the NHL season is canceled, I will try out for safety for the Eagles. I am a good defender, after all.

Terrell Owens: I will rejoin the Eagles and cry for my quarterback (he may need it).

Brian Dawkins: I will come out of retirement if the Eagles continue to fail to find my replacement.

Chuck Bednarik: I will come out of retirement if the Eagles can't find good third linebacker. This current crop of NFL players is nothing but a bunch of wusses.

As we turn the page to a new year, let's all hope some of these resolutions are followed through. 2012 was not a great year, which is sort of like saying, "Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

But things will be undoubtedly better next year, with a healthy Chase and Ryan, and Brian, TO, Chuck and Timmo in Eagles green.

 


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