Gonzo: For fans, dual loyalty is singular crime

On the spectrum of unacceptable fan behavior, that kind of thing is an even bigger offense than - and get ready to fire up your cranky machines and send me heated e-mails - personalized jerseys. (Hell, I'll save you the trouble: Don't you know that I spent my hard-earned money on that Jablonski No. 1 alternate road uniform? Blah, blah, blah. Die in a grease fire. Signed, Mr. Angry Pants.)

It's bad enough if you grew up here but support an out-of-market club. My cousin Steve is one of those savages. To my everlasting disappointment, he's raising his three boys to be Cowboys fans. It brings shame on the whole family. But at least he doesn't root for the Cowboys and the Eagles. He picked a side - albeit the wrong one - and he stuck with it.

I'm a firm believer that you should back the teams in your geographical area. That works out well for some people. Others wake up in Cleveland and look for something sharp to cut themselves with - that's just the way it goes.

But let's be clear: If you absolutely insist on ignoring this most fundamental fan doctrine and root for an out-of-market squad, please remember that you can't claim multiple teams from the same sport. You get one - and only one - in baseball, football, hockey, and basketball. That's it. This isn't a buffet, and it's not all you can eat.

Once you make your selection, you can't change it, either. If, way back when, you were one of those miscreants who impulsively became a Clippers fan because you liked the colors, you're stuck. The best you can do is hope Donald Sterling gets sloppy drunk at a poker game and loses the franchise after going on tilt.

But back to Doyle: I recently learned he has a Yankees tattoo on his chest and plans to add some Phils ink on the other side to prove he's neutral. He also told one of our pals that he wins no matter what this postseason because he gets "a parade either way."

Do you understand now why people like that have to be stopped? There should be a special spot on the furnace in hell reserved for them.

I had an interesting cab ride from Yankee Stadium to Manhattan the other day. When I got in the car, I told the driver to take me to East 92d Street and First.

"Qué?" he replied.

I repeated my request.

"Un poquito inglés," he said, pinching his index finger and thumb together. That translates as "you should have taken the subway."

As he drove, we talked in a mash-up of broken English (regular readers know I also struggle with the language) and hand signals. Unfortunately, the process required him to look at me more than the road.

The cabbie was wearing a Yankees hat and jacket, so I asked him if he thought he Yankees would win the Series.

"Yankees!" he said, pounding his chest with both hands and grinning madly. (I'm not making any of this up, by the way.) Given his aversion to touching the steering wheel, I began to suspect that the car had been outfitted with a state-of-the-art autopilot system, which made me feel much safer.

"How long have you lived in the United States?" I inquired.

"Yes!" he responded.

And that's how we ended up in Times Square.

The Asian World of Martial Arts is holding a "take down New York" tailgate party from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. tomorrow in Lot M at the Linc. This time, there will be two grappling dummies - one with an A-Rod jersey, the other outfitted in Eli Manning gear. . . . A reader suggested that the Citizens Bank Park speakers pump out the theme song of former pro wrestler Ted DiBiase - otherwise known as the Million Dollar Man - in honor of the Yankees' high-priced free agents. DiBiase's song was called "Everyone Has a Price." . . . Love prop bets. This one comes courtesy of Bodog.com. Which will be higher tomorrow: Donovan McNabb TD passes vs. the Giants (-130) or Ryan Howard hits vs. the Yankees (even)? . . . If you're a regular at Borders bookstore, you may have gotten an e-mail with this unfortunate subject line: "Congrats, Yankees! Get the Postseason Media Guide Only at Borders." Yet another reason to shop at Barnes & Noble.