THE PHILLIES play the Rockies at 3 p.m. today.
Everyone wants to see the game, but there are killjoys - bosses, teachers, spouses - who bleat "it's just a ballgame" and unfairly expect you to do your job, or attend class, or pick up the kids after their "Paint with Mucus" class.
Don't they understand it has been
14 long years since the Phils have stood on this high ground? It is
not "just a ballgame."
It is a statement of who we are, how we feel, why we breathe.
True, regardless of today's outcome, there will be another game, and then another. If Baseball Gods smile on us, there will be another series of games - which will define the ardor of Phillies' fans.
Still, every game is vital. Understanding the stakes, Your Favorite Columnist has suggestions about how to get to the game, or at least to a TV.
Teachers! Release the kids at 2 p.m. Their next chance to watch a baseball championship game may not come until they are in college, or in jail. If you need a better "excuse" for early release, today is Chubby Checker's birthday.
Workers! Since it's suspicious to leave work early, take the whole day off. If you're reading this at work - damn! Skip work tomorrow. You need time to buy the beer, chips and hoagies, don't you?
Calling in sick clicks because the boss can't see you. If you claim to have herpes, or the basement's flooded, or you were mugged (this would work for Donovan McNabb), the boss can't know it's not true.
If, alas, you are at work, how to cut out early?
My favorite scam? Gastrointestinal disorders! Tell the boss something you ate - a day-old cheesesteak? - is clawing its way out of your belly. Prove it by throwing up on the boss' desk.
If you can't upchuck, fall down - hard - and be rushed to the emergency room. (Many co-workers will volunteer to drive you.) Every emergency room has a TV. Usually it's tuned to "General Hospital" at 3 p.m., but today it will be the Fightin's.
If you fear physical pain (and you call yourself a Phillies fan?), tell the boss you have an emergency session with your therapist to deal with the terrible homicidal urges you've been having all day.
Other ideas? Claim your work computer has a virus and you fear infection, especially after your nasty episode with boils. Or say there was a grisly mishap at home with lawn darts. Hey! Today is the Jewish feast of Sukkot, and you just remembered you are Jewish. (Threaten to show your circumcision.) How about you have to round up 9,999 additional men for Sylvester Johnson?
Or your uncle Boris - visiting from Russia, where he worked on Sputnik 50 years ago - died in your guest room. Or you have to rush home to finish work on the Klingon-to-English dictionary before "they" arrive. Or that your inner "spirit guide" warned you to enter the sweat lodge at once?
Women, as always, have it easier.
[Editor's note: Ladies, you will find Stu's phone number and e-mail address at the bottom of the column.]
If you're a young woman, it's the monthlies. "Ooooh, these cramps hurt." If you're older - "That hot flash knocked me out." Menstrual or menopausal - you're in clover.
If your boss is female, tell her you have to take your biological clock in to be cleaned or your lips need an emergency collagen injection. Tell her you're going to an Al Taubenberger rally and you want to get one of the four chairs they set up.
If all else fails, paint yourself pink and slip out. She'll think it has something to do with Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Best advice: "Shoe sale." Boss will leave with you.
Good luck getting to the game. *
E-mail stubyko@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5977. For recent columns:
http://go.philly.com/byko.
