Morning Bytes: Clarke: Fightin' words from a non-fighter

"Blake was a guy who had no problem going out and saying he [Steve Downie] should be suspended for life or suspended for the year. When you say something that stupid, why shouldn't this kid go after him for it?"

- Bob Clarke, defending Steve Downie's pummeling of Toronto's Jason Blake.

This is what passes for logic in the NHL, a league that can't understand why its ratings are TV's equivalent of Mike Gravel's poll numbers:

"Say something we don't like and we're justified in taking a stick to your cranium."

Of course, if that's really the case, it's remarkable that Bob Clarke isn't missing more than his front teeth.

Does anyone else find it funny that Clarke has become a defender of hockey retribution?

I can't seem to recall him initiating many fights when he played.

Maybe opposing players weren't as stupid back then.

Or maybe it was just easier to sic Dave Schultz on an antagonist.

But, hey, that's the NHL, a league whose reigning intellectual is Don Cherry.

Actually, Clarke could have noted all the other hockey behaviors that warrant a beating:

They include:

NASCAR note of the week. Broadcaster Hermie Sadler recently said, "Commentating for professional wrestling is, in a lot of ways, quite similar to commentating on NASCAR."

How true.

Pro wrestlers and NASCAR vehicles do have a lot in common.

They're both souped-up, often illegally. They both require lots of oil. Both are never quite as appealing as when they're getting slammed into something. And both usually end up with blown head gaskets.

Quick question. Why did Florida State fire the head of its academic-support program for athletes this week?

A. He complained that the working conditions at the Tallahassee jail were intolerable.

B. He had little to do ever since the Florida legislature slashed funding for coloring books.

C. He was arrested in connection with a campus assault.

D. He failed to detect Bobby Bowden's charm.

Five wishes. 1. That Brian McNamee taped some of Roger Clemens' phone calls.

2. That baseball season gets here - fast.

3. That the Sixers soon become more appealing than the short-lived Philadelphia Tapers from the early 1960s.

4. That this college basketball season concludes more interestingly than it has begun.

5. That this college basketball season is better than this college football season.

Help! Ever try buying golf clubs? It's a lot like shopping for F-15s. The technobabble is indecipherable.

Here are a few excerpts on irons from Golf Digest's equipment issue:

Cleveland CG Red: "The microcavity technology saves 10 grams of weight, which was moved lower to improve the CG location."

My reaction: Is the CG location in the woods? Because that's where two-thirds of my shots go.

Mizuno MP-57: "The rolled leading and trailing edges along with a cambered mid-sole are designed to make the club more playable. . . . A grain-flowing forging process helps consistency throughout the set."

My reaction: Can grain-flow forging help me keep score?

Callaway X-20 Tour: "This version has a shorter blade length than the X-20. Its minimal offset, narrow, beveled sole and chamfered top line appeal to better players."

My reaction: Do better players know what "chamfered" means? Maybe my 20-handicap is the result of a vocabulary deficiency.

Tour Edge Bazooka Geomax: "An elastomer coating in the undercut cavity provides vibration damping."

My question: Do I need to see a dentist first?