Chris Mortensen reported that the Lions signed Matthew Stafford despite the fact that he didn't shave when he interviewed in Detroit. Scandalous. Mort made it sound like having stubble is tantamount to testing positive for crystal meth.

Chris Berman keeps describing Mark Sanchez as being a "sexy" pick. I wish he would stop. Hearing Boomer say "sexy" is like asking da Vinci to bake an apple pie.

On the plus side, Mel Kiper's hair has been particularly insightful.

I don't know how anyone can hate the draft. You just don't get entertainment like this every day. And the fun has just begun.

4:05 p.m.: It's on. Stafford is at the podium. Bless his heart, he has to move to Detroit. Stafford's contract reportedly guarantees him $41 million. My advice to Stafford: Take the money. Go to Greektown. Buy lots of ouzo. You're going to need it.

4:06: Every male with a television is now wondering whether the blonde with Stafford is his woman or his sister.

4:32: Wake Forrest linebacker Aaron Curry just went to the Seahawks. Tears are streaming down his face. I haven't seen anyone blubber like this in public since Pat Gillick broke down during the ring ceremony. The two of them could have an awesome crying contest.

4:42: The Jets traded up to get Southern Cal quarterback Mark Sanchez with the fifth pick. The Jets fans in attendance look genuinely happy. It's a little disappointing, frankly. My favorite part of the draft each year is when Jets fans get really angry after a selection and look like they're about to riot. Maybe next time.

4:42.28: Spoke too soon. One Jets fan just mouthed "horrible" to the camera. Another made a gagging face. That's much better. I expect them to start lighting small fires any second now.

4:50: Andre Smith is a Bengal. The huge Alabama offensive lineman became an Internet sensation after he ran shirtless at a workout. It was like watching a massive, mobile Jell-O cube. If you haven't seen the picture, check it out at tinyurl.com/andresmith. It's fantastic.

4:57: The Raiders took Maryland wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey with the seventh pick. Kiper is floored: "I'm shocked. Shocked." Not even Heyward-Bey looks like he expected the Raiders to take him. Al Davis is a national treasure. At this point, if he drafts Snuffleupagus to be the team's new mascot, I don't think anyone should be surprised.

5:29: ESPN just cut to Knowshon Moreno playing cards. I like him even more now. Come to Philly, Knowshon. We'll play poker. Bring money.

5:31: Ugh. How depressing. Denver selected Moreno with the 12th pick. Figures. First the Broncos take Brian Dawkins from us, now this.

5:45: If the Texans hadn't selected USC linebacker Brian Cushing with the 15th pick, I think a Pearl Jam tribute band might have drafted him. His ponytail would be a big hit with the unwashed/granola/jean jacket crowd. (The Moreno news put me in a mean mood.)

6:12: The Eagles have traded up to the 19th pick. I might have a coronary. Quick: What's the number for 911?

6:14: I never thought I'd write this sentence: The Philadelphia Eagles traded up to get a wide receiver. Mizzou's Jeremy Maclin is coming to Philly. We live in a bizarre world.

6:16: Trey Wingo and the talking heads are absolutely killing the Birds for taking Maclin instead of trading for Anquan Boldin. Maybe Maclin will turn out to be a good pick, but I'm with Wingo and the fellas here. I understand that trading for Boldin would also mean giving him a fat new contract. But if they wanted to grab a receiver, I would have preferred them to get a known commodity instead of a guy who may or may not work out. I wonder how this will play around town.

6:28: Florida receiver Percy Harvin went to Minnesota with the 22d pick. I thought testing positive for herb was supposed to make him fall out of the first round. So much for that. Somewhere, Michael Phelps nods approvingly.

6:38: Good for Michael Oher. With the 23d pick, the Ravens selected the Mississippi lineman, who was homeless earlier in his life. Hope things work out for him there.

6:55: The Packers took Clay Matthews with the 26th pick. Is it a rule that all USC linebackers have to have long hair? Matthews also has a ponytail. Apparently, it's still 1995 in Southern California. I wonder if a single hoop earring in the left ear will make a comeback, too.

7:31: The Steelers grabbed the coolest name in the draft with the last pick: Missouri defensive tackle Ziggy Hood. The first round is finally over. Who's up for six more?

or gonzalez@phillynews.com.