Age: 11 seasons old.

Description: Reid was last seen wearing all black. He frequently hides behind a bushy mustache, laminated play-calling chart, and the phrase "I need to do better." The rest of the Eagles often don midnight green and white, along with confused looks - generally on running downs, during two-minute drills, and whenever a challenge flag is thrown by their head coach. Team president Joe Banner, who is not among the missing and who is coordinating interagency efforts from the team's NovaCare Complex headquarters in South Philadelphia, recently implored law enforcement officials to look for "the best roster in the league." The FBI obliged. Early this morning, separate searches began in earnest in New Orleans and Indianapolis.

Last known location: The Eagles were last seen at Lincoln Financial Field on Sunday, Nov. 1, during a bloody, one-sided confrontation with the New York Giants. Following what turned into a public flogging of their division rivals, Eagles defensive end Trent Cole told The Inquirer, "I think we did send a statement. Now we want to keep building upon that statement." Reid added that "when you play these NFC East teams, you prepare for a heavyweight fight."

Curiously, the Birds never entered the ring the following week when another NFC East opponent - the Dallas Cowboys - came to town. Team officials became concerned and notified the authorities even though the Eagles have a well-established history of vanishing midway through any given season.

Similarly, the Eagles failed to arrive in San Diego for a scheduled clash with the Chargers last weekend. Eyewitness reports claim the Birds boarded a plane for the West Coast, but Californians and fans confirm the team never showed up at Qualcomm Stadium.

Where to go with information: Anyone with knowledge concerning the whereabouts of the Philadelphia Eagles is urged to call the hotline immediately: 1-200-SAME-OLD. Team owner Jeffrey Lurie is also offering a "special reward" in exchange for information that leads to the safe return of his beloved football team. Banner once said he works for a guy who "says that making money as the owner of the Philadelphia Eagles means nothing," so the reward figures to be handsome. (Fine print: Offer not valid in continental United States, Hawaii, Alaska, Canada, Mexico, Latin America, Europe, Asia, much of Africa, Earth.)

Suspected reason for the Eagles' disappearance: Foul play.

Playing fantasy football is like running a marathon. You have to prepare yourself for the mental grind, and then pace yourself during the race. You can't start out too fast, but you can't break too late, either. My problem is that I hate running and generally vomit somewhere along the way.

Start

QB: Carson Palmer, Kurt Warner, Brett Favre

RB: Pierre Thomas, Shady McCoy, Kevin Smith

WR: Sidney Rice, Mike Sims-Walker, Kevin Walter

TE: Brent Celek, Heath Miller, Jeremy Shockey

Bench

QB: Matt Ryan, Matt Hasselbeck, Joe Flacco

RB: Jamaal Charles, Cadillac Williams, Marshawn Lynch

WR: Roy Williams, Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin

TE: Fred Davis, Dustin Keller, John Carlson

Sunday Six

(Home team in caps)

Last week: 2-4

Season: 26-26-2

Chargers over BRONCOS (no line): Like Denver, my once-promising season is beginning to unravel. After a hot start, I'm 2-10 over the last two weeks. I read somewhere that you have to fail to appreciate success. That seems like a cheap lie.

LIONS -31/2 over Browns: This has to be the most depressing game - between two of the most depressing cities - in recent memory. They should ban shoelaces and sharp objects from the stadium, just to be safe.

49ers +61/2 over PACKERS: San Fran is 6-2 against the spread this year. I looked that up online. The Internet knows everything.

Cardinals/RAMS over 47: I believe I last picked an over/under correctly in 1997. As Wax would say, I'm due.

Steelers -10 over CHIEFS: Nothing takes the sting out of a division loss to the Bengals like a little barbecue and a game against Kansas City.

Eagles -3 over BEARS: Considering how awful the Birds have been over the last two weeks, I'd love to pick against them tonight. Jay Cutler just won't let me. I'm still doing the reporting on this, but I'm fairly certain the guy is legally blind. I keep waiting for him to get escorted into the huddle by a seeing-eye dog.

Contact columnist John Gonzalez at 215-854-2813 or gonzalez@phillynews.com.