Gonzo: Taking shots at Plaxico
A week ago, if you had asked me to pick the most likely NFC East player to shoot himself, I would have gone with Cowboys cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones or Redskins tight end Chris Cooley. Jones has had a number of problems over the years, making him the safe choice. As for Cooley, beware the man who puts pictures of his junk on the Internet. He's capable of anything.
I obviously underestimated Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress. Over the weekend, he visited a Manhattan nightclub. Naturally, he brought his gun along - because no party is complete without a Glock semiautomatic. That and Chex Mix. Unfortunately for Burress, he ended up shooting himself in the thigh. Oops.
SETH WENIG / Associated Press
Giants receiver Plaxico Burress is escorted from a New York police station. He shot himself in the leg with an allegedly unlicensed gun at a nightclub - a mistake we've all probably made.
Yesterday morning, Burress did the perp walk on national television. He looked fine - didn't limp at all when he turned himself in to the police to face charges of criminal weapons possession (and possibly criminal stupidity).
Contact columnist John Gonzalez at 215-854-2813 or gonzalez@phillynews.com.
In a way, I feel for Burress. In addition to significant troubles with the law and the NFL, he'll now be forever linked to one of the worst movie roles in recent memory. If you didn't see 8 Mile - the thinly disguised life story of rapper Eminem - it features a character named Cheddar Bob. At one point, Cheddar Bob - a bumbling, slow-witted jester who serves no purpose in the film - tries to act tough by brandishing a firearm. Then he promptly shoots himself by accident.
Thankfully, like Cheddar Bob, Burress wasn't badly injured in the mishap. SportsWit' would hate to see someone die - even a member of the Giants. Plus, there's good news in all of this: Burress has now cemented a place on the 2008 list of New Yorkers That Philly Sports Fans Will Remember Fondly. Here are the top five:
5. Stephon Marbury: If not for the stiff competition, the Knicks guard could easily be No. 1 on this countdown for almost single-handedly scuttling the once-proud franchise. Most recently, he was suspended and fined for refusing to play in a game at the request of head coach Mike D'Antoni. "I wouldn't trust him to walk my dog across the street," Marbury said of D'Antoni. Then, for good measure, he added: "The marriage is over." Wonder who gets the dog in the divorce settlement.
4. The Mets: For the second straight year, the Mets collapsed and missed the playoffs. Fun. Just as enjoyable were the New York newspaper headlines commemorating the event: "It's Deja Boo All Over Again," "Shea It Ain't So," "End Is A Cruel Choke," and, my favorite, "Ya Gotta Bereave."
3. Carlos Beltran: Choking is one thing. Puffing out your chest first is another. Before the season, the Mets outfielder said: "Without [Johan] Santana, we felt that we had a chance to win our division. With him now, I have no doubt that we're going to win our division. I have no doubt. We've got what it takes. To Jimmy Rollins: We are the team to beat." Classic.
2. Eliot Spitzer: OK, so he's not an athlete. But as New York state's attorney general, he organized prostitution stings. As governor, he was busted in one. That's the kind of delicious irony everyone can enjoy.
1. Plaxico Burress: Now is the time for compassion and understanding. Who hasn't been in his situation? Who hasn't gone to a nightclub and suffered a self-inflicted handgun wound? It's times like these when I look to the Bible: Let he who hath not shot himself in leg fire the first bullet.
Amen.
Do the Feds have witness-protection programs for athletes? It's something Andre Miller might want to research.
If you missed Sunday's 76ers-Bulls game - and judging by the 13,561 attendance figure, you probably did - Chicago's rookie point guard, Derrick Rose, made Miller look foolish. Shortly before the half, Rose pulled off a wicked crossover - at which point old-man Miller fell over and Rose breezed by for an easy layup. It was not Miller's finest moment.
Luckily (?) for Miller, he'll have a chance to redeem himself when the Sixers play in Chicago this evening. It will take a serious effort for Miller to erase what happened the other night, however. The video of Rose's move landed on SportsCenter's top 10 plays list and became instant national blog fodder (http://tinyurl.com/drose-amiller). That's largely because Bulls color analyst Stacey King lost his mind when it happened.
"Oh my goodness," King screamed. "He broke his ankles. Is there a medic in the house? Watch this. Watch Miller. 'Ow, I hurt my ankle. Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up.' "
It went on like that for a while.
The last time a rookie crossed up a vet that badly was when Allen Iverson punked Michael Jordan. Iverson is still playing. Jordan, of course, was disgraced and drummed out of the league. Today, he's remembered as a failure.
Don't let that happen to you, Andre Miller. Don't go down in history like Michael Jordan.
Sports Illustrated's Paul Zimmerman - otherwise known as Dr. Z, the man who picked the Eagles to reach this year's Super Bowl - is in the hospital after suffering two strokes. Here's hoping he has a speedy recovery.
Believe it or not, the Sixers are nearly a quarter of the way through the season. How long before the fans start worrying?
Hank Moody, David Duchovny's character on Californication, is quickly becoming my favorite writer.
Contact columnist John Gonzalez at 215-854-2813 or gonzalez@phillynews.com.
