The $&*% Delmon Young Says

Each week, our favorite penguin, Zoo with Roy, writes a special piece for This week, he takes a look at some "stuff" Phillies outfielder Delmon Young said during a completely fictitious interview that never took place. It's a parody, people. That means it's not real. It never happened. Got it? Cool.

Oh, Mitya, why must you be so ill-tempered? Why do you take everything as affront? Dmitri … oh, wait, that’s your brother. But only, in this case, Delmon is Dmitri! Oh it’s all too confusing -- so here is $&*% Delmon Young Says, FyBROdorovich. 

This penguin caught up with the mercurial right fielder (lol) at Bright House Field and had the following colorful exchange.

On if he’s purchased any Girl Scout cookies yet:

“Hell no. Why am I going to pay four bucks a box for two sleeves of cookies when I can get the big bag at Walmart for $2.50?”

But they support a good cause:

“Walmart supports a good cause, too: CHEAP COOKIES."

On whether he’s happy Spring has arrived:

“It’s just an equinox, bro. No big deal.”

On whether he’s excited about the upcoming NCAA Tournament:

“Not really.”

Does he have a bracket?:

“No, I’m good.”

A favorite team:

“The Dallas Cowboys?”

No, a favorite college basketball team:

“Didn’t you ask me who my favorite team was?”

I just assumed you understood what I meant...:

“You know what happens when you assume, right? Fine, just write whatever you want. Duke. I like Duke. Go Duke.”

His thoughts on Roy Halladay’s recent illness:

“I’m not even going there. If that’s how some guys want to make their weight, that’s on them.”

Wait what you think Roy Halladay has a weight clause in his contract?:

“Yeah. Why else you think he’s always running at like five in the (expletive) morning? He must eat all night long, too.”

Wait you eat all through the night?”:

“No comment. Man, why’s the media always trying to start a controversy?”