Saturday, December 27, 2014

The $&*% Delmon Young Says

Each week, our favorite penguin, Zoo with Roy, writes a special piece for This week, he takes a look at some "stuff" Phillies outfielder Delmon Young said during a completely fictitious interview that never took place. It's a parody, people. That means it's not real. It never happened. Got it? Cool.

Oh, Mitya, why must you be so ill-tempered? Why do you take everything as affront? Dmitri … oh, wait, that’s your brother. But only, in this case, Delmon is Dmitri! Oh it’s all too confusing -- so here is $&*% Delmon Young Says, FyBROdorovich. 

This penguin caught up with the mercurial right fielder (lol) at Bright House Field and had the following colorful exchange.

More coverage
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  • On if he’s purchased any Girl Scout cookies yet:

    “Hell no. Why am I going to pay four bucks a box for two sleeves of cookies when I can get the big bag at Walmart for $2.50?”

    But they support a good cause:

    “Walmart supports a good cause, too: CHEAP COOKIES."

    On whether he’s happy Spring has arrived:

    “It’s just an equinox, bro. No big deal.”

    On whether he’s excited about the upcoming NCAA Tournament:

    “Not really.”

    Does he have a bracket?:

    “No, I’m good.”

    A favorite team:

    “The Dallas Cowboys?”

    No, a favorite college basketball team:

    “Didn’t you ask me who my favorite team was?”

    I just assumed you understood what I meant...:

    “You know what happens when you assume, right? Fine, just write whatever you want. Duke. I like Duke. Go Duke.”

    His thoughts on Roy Halladay’s recent illness:

    “I’m not even going there. If that’s how some guys want to make their weight, that’s on them.”

    Wait what you think Roy Halladay has a weight clause in his contract?:

    “Yeah. Why else you think he’s always running at like five in the (expletive) morning? He must eat all night long, too.”

    Wait you eat all through the night?”:

    “No comment. Man, why’s the media always trying to start a controversy?”

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