Major league baseball's annual long-ball contest is today. I've watched the event since I was a kid, and I'll watch tonight, too. Steroids or no, I've long enjoyed seeing some of the game's biggest stars crush batting-practice balls into the outer reaches of a stadium.
Tell me, heavy hitters: Do you like the Home Run Derby, or have you grown weary of it?
From: Ford, Bob
To: Gonzalez, John; Salisbury, James T.
Subject: That ball's outta here
Oh, you're not going to catch me in that grumpy, old sportswriter thing today, Gonzoriffic. I am too thrilled by your return. Did you have a good time? Did you miss us? Did you read Talkin' every day with pride? I must know.
As for the HRD, it's harmless enough, but I sit through a lot of batting practice during the season. With the Phillies, batting practice looks like home run derby a lot of times. And I don't find anything odd about major-league hitters being able to hit fat pitches into the stands. It's like the NBA three-point contest. I won't watch, but you already knew that.
From: Gonzalez, John
To: Ford, Bob; Salisbury, James T.
Subject: That ball's outta here
I only missed one of you while I was on vacation. Feel free to guess.
I'd be disappointed, Ford, if you actually watched the HRD. Boycotting the event fits in perfectly with your general, anti-fun default position. (BTW: UFC 100 was pretty entertaining this weekend.)
If you're interested, I've handicapped the chances of the National League HRD participants:
Alby Pujols: 1-1
Ryan Howard: 2-1
Prince Fielder: 4-1
Adrian Gonzalez: 5-1
I'm ready to take bets. Get your money in before the window closes.
Re: reading Talkin' every day while I was gone. You had Talkin' without me?
From: Ford, Bob
To: Gonzalez, John; Salisbury, James T.
Subject: That ball's outta here
It's not a boycott, exactly. It's more of having something better to do, a concept with which you are not familiar. By the way, Jimmy's probably flying to St. Louis, so he might not respond soon.
Hey, did you like the Sunday Talkin' about no one keeping a scorecard at the park anymore? I know you're a big fan of scorekeeping. What's your method - diamonds or lines?
From: Gonzalez, John
To: Ford, Bob; Salisbury, James T.
Subject: That ball's outta here
I prefer to let MLB.com keep score for me, though I do know how to do it myself. I learned in high school as a member of the freshman team. This will shock you, but I didn't play much. Coach made me keep the book while I sat on the bench.
Those were the days.
I'll take Howard to win the Derby. That means we'll be drawing lots of diamonds on the scorecard and shading them in.
From: Ford, Bob
To: Gonzalez, John; Salisbury, James T.
Subject: That ball's outta here
All right. I'll be obstinate and take Pujols. What else are you watching this week, Gonzoslacker? Dancing With The Zoo Animals?
From: Gonzalez, John
To: Ford, Bob; Salisbury, James T.
Subject: That ball's outta here
I've gotten into that ABC Superstars show. I think T.O. and that model have an excellent chance of winning the whole thing. You shouldn't count Bode Miller and his teammate (whose name I've also forgotten) out, either.
From: Ford, Bob
To: Gonzalez, John; Salisbury, James T.
Subject: That ball's outta here
Right now, Jimmy's eating the little snack mix packet of the guy next to him who fell asleep on the flight. I'd watch that.
From: Salisbury, James T.
To: Ford, Bob; Gonzalez, John
Subject: That ball's outta here
I like the derby. I've always liked watching athletes with power, you know - Pujols mashing a baseball, Al MacInnis shooting a puck, Vlad Guerrero throwing from the outfield, Daly off the tee, Billy Wagner throwing heat in his prime, Cohen at a food court. I just can't stand the way ESPN slows the event down to make it fit a three-hour hole.
From: Ford, Bob
To: Gonzalez, John; Salisbury, James T.
Subject: That ball's outta here
Gonzo likes that, Jimmy. He's got nothing but time.
