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"That pain will get you up," Willis Gardner said. "I can't sleep on either side. I sleep on my back."
If his basketball season finally - and mercifully - ends soon, Gardner will have surgery Friday, the first surgery, to repair torn ligaments in his right shoulder.
First, Colorado State's starting point guard - a junior and Norristown High School graduate - has a first-round Mountain West Conference tournament game today in Las Vegas.
The surgery, back in Fort Collins, Colo., will be rescheduled if his team pulls off an upset of Wyoming.
It's not just Gardner's right shoulder that needs repair. He will have similar surgery on his left shoulder a month later.
"They wanted to end my season early," Gardner said by telephone. But he wouldn't allow it.
When his coach took him out of a game, Gardner said, "I started to cry, begging him, 'Don't sit me down on the bench.' "
Each shoulder has popped out during games, Gardner said. Last month, "my left one came out twice." He didn't get back in that game.
The 6-foot-1, 182-pound Gardner wears a brace to try to keep his right shoulder in place, but can't wear two braces and play effectively, he said.
"Right now, they both hurt the same," Gardner said. "It's painful - like a sharp pain that just never leaves. When I shoot the ball, it hurts. Some stuff, when I do it, I know it will come out. But I do it anyway."
"The right one slipped out [Saturday]," he said. "I stayed in the game. There were about 10 minutes to go." He didn't tell anybody.
When the shoulder really pops out, "it comes out for maybe four or five seconds," Gardner said. "I'll push it back in, then my arm goes numb. Then it's sore for a week or two."
To the outside world, it might seem as if Gardner isn't playing for much. Colorado State finished play in the Mountain West - which is expecting three bids to the NCAA tournament - without winning a conference game.
The Rams had gone into the season with high hopes, but both 7-foot centers suffered stress fractures. It didn't help that several other players didn't make it to the season because of grade problems.
"Our center now is 6-5," Gardner said. "We've got four walk-ons playing."
But understand where Gardner is coming from.
In high school, he didn't have the grades for a college scholarship. He ended up at Luzerne County (Pa.) Community College. He planned to transfer to Alvernia College of Division III, but that changed when he went to a summer tournament in New York and took it over playing against Division I competition.
A number of Division I coaches saw him, including the coach at Fresno State. Phone calls were made. Gardner ended up at Ohlone College, a junior college in Fremont, Calif.
After a big season in one of the nation's top junior-college leagues, and after he put in the work in the classroom to be eligible for Division I ball, Gardner ended up at Colorado State this season.
He brought his right-shoulder problems with him. They came out last season, he said, when his arm got stuck as he tried to pull out a loose ball.
"They were talking about surgery then, in the summer, but I would have had to sit," Gardner said.
With all Gardner's travels, a redshirt year wasn't an option. He began the season with a flourish when Colorado State won the Top of the World Classic in Fairbanks, Alaska. He scored 20 points against Oregon State and had nine assists in a win over Tennessee State. Then he scored 21 points when the Rams beat Portland State by a point in the title game.
Through Colorado State's first dozen games, Gardner averaged 14 points and made 18 of 39 three-point tries. But in the 12th game, against Colorado on Dec. 22, the left shoulder came out - the same way as the right, as he tried to get a loose ball.
"I was scared to say something to my coaches, so I let it go and on and on," Gardner said.
Early last month, he couldn't hide it any longer. The Rams shut him down for two games, took X-rays, and saw that surgery would be required.
Gardner has still had strong games, including a 16-point effort on 7-of-9 shooting against Wyoming on Feb. 27.
His scoring average has dropped to 9.9 points a game, but that's partly because of the games he barely played when one shoulder or the other popped out. He played five minutes against San Diego State on March 1, making the only shot he tried, but was on the floor for 30 minutes in Colorado State's last regular-season game.
Gardner has made 91.2 percent of his free throws this season, which would rank fourth nationally, except that he needed to average 21/2 a game and has averaged just more than two. He hasn't taken many lately but has made his last 15 going back to Jan. 12.
After the operations, Gardner has been told, he won't be able to play even five-on-five pickup ball until October. But he knows exactly when his senior season begins.
"It's just hard to stop playing," Gardner said. "You work so hard to get somewhere."
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