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READER FEEDBACK
What's your advice to Sanford's wife?
Give him a chance to redeem himself
Kick him to the curb. Once a cheater, always a cheater


How to mend after an affair

After South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford confessed to a yearlong extramarital affair with a woman from Argentina, many are wondering whether he can repair his marriage with his wife, Jenny.

Jenny Sanford said in a statement she asked her husband to leave their Sullivan's Island, S.C., home two weeks ago.

"This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage," she said.

Although every relationship is different, here are some steps necessary for mending a broken marriage, offered by the Mayo Clinic.

End the affair and all interaction and communication with the lover, and be accountable. If you've had an affair, take responsibility.

Determine your shared goal. Be sure you both agree that you want to mend your marriage — but don't make this decision in the heat of emotion. It might take time to sort things out. If you both want to reconcile, realize it will take time, energy and commitment.

Talk about it. Discuss what happened openly and honestly — no matter how difficult. Seek help from a licensed counselor who is experienced in dealing with infidelity and who can help you talk constructively about it.

Identify the issues. Infidelity often points to underlying problems. Examine your marriage to understand what contributed to the affair from the perspective of both the cheater and the cheated-upon, and how you can prevent it from happening again.

Restore trust. Make a commitment to rebuilding your marriage. Go to counseling together to confirm the commitment and to prevent secrecy from continuing to erode the relationship.

Time and forgiveness. Allow enough time to understand and heal. For many people, forgiveness is the hardest part of recovering from an affair. It isn't likely to come quickly or easily — it may be a lifelong process.

The end — or not. Not every marriage touched by infidelity can — or should — be saved. Sometimes too much damage has been done, or both partners aren't committed. Painful as it is, it's important to acknowledge when this is the case.

SOURCE: MayoClinic.com

———

IN THEIR SHOES

Couples viewing the Sanford, Fla., affair could have diverse feelings, says Linda Olson , director of the Columbia Pastoral Counseling Center. Three examples she offered:

—Some couples in similar circumstances could feel almost normalized and validated. They might think: If it can happen to the governor, it can happen to anyone.

—Couples on shaky ground might feel threatened, thinking: If the governor's marriage — with strong family values and plenty of resources — is in trouble, why should we even try to work things out.

—For families and couples watching the profound pain it has caused for everyone involved, they could redouble their efforts at working together to avoid going through the same thing.

cynthia gouw, snapglow.tv, newsletter

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