If declining an invitation, do it as early as possible

Q

uestion

: If you need to cancel plans like dinner or going to a party, what is the time frame where it's not rude to back out? I canceled going camping with friends a week ahead of time and they were OK with it, but should I have said something sooner?

- Jeff in Pa.

Answer: The best time to cancel a plan is yesterday. In other words, cancel as soon as possible. Don't sit around for a week debating what to do and cancel at the final hour unless it's an emergency. And even though it can be awkward, do let people know you aren't coming, don't just be a no-show.

Try not to cancel on the same friends or group of friends repeatedly. Be honest with your friends or family members and say that you are sorry. That is, say you are sorry. Don't cancel by text, if it can be avoided. Take the time to call or send a sincere e-mail. Some friends and family will take it better than others.

Also, consider the event. Telling someone on Friday morning that you are exhausted from a brutal work week and would like to postpone Friday night dinner and reschedule for Saturday or Sunday is less likely to cause problems or be perceived as rude than telling that person you can't make the 25th birthday party that has been planned for a month or the wedding shower. Make every effort to be at the meaningful occasions, even though sometimes that isn't possible. I recently had two important occasions on the same day at the same time and had to cancel one. These things happen.

It is also good manners when canceling to suggest an alternative date. We all have to change plans at times, particularly when work or urgent family matters intervene, but do it with words and some compassion. You don't want to get the reputation as a serial canceler. And when people cancel on you, accept it with grace.

Q: I was at a coffee shop recently and people were taking off their shoes (with no socks) and putting them on the furniture. I see this on the train too. Is that rude?

- Liz in N.J.

A: Yuck and gross is my answer. There is a reason for that sign "No shirts, no shoes, no service." Don't put your bare feet anywhere outside your own home or on a grassy path when you take a country vacation.

An article in Canada's National Post summed up my thoughts exactly. "As soon as you get into public areas - which is transport, offices, airplanes, waiting rooms, anything like that - it's no longer yours. It belongs to everybody," said Suzanne Nourse, founder and owner of the Protocol School of Ottawa and coauthor of The Power of Civility. "Etiquette to me, the true meaning of etiquette, it's not about the knife and fork: It's how we treat other people. And putting your feet up - where somebody else is going to sit down in a few minutes - is inappropriate."

Is it acceptable to not listen to a voice mail and just call back? I discussed this last month. It is far better manners to listen to your messages and probably rude not to do so. Here is what some readers had to say:

More than once I have left a detailed message only to have people call me back saying, "I see you called, what's up?" I don't feel I should be put in a position of having to repeat myself because some people are too busy, rude, or lazy to check their messages. Being polite, I do repeat myself and then resolve never to leave that person a message again.

- Mike in N.J.

I truly do not understand why one would not listen to a voice mail. If I can't pick up and someone then takes the time to tell me why they're calling, isn't it just common courtesy to listen before I call back? Or, if that's not a good enough reason, what if the voice mail includes information I need to think about or make a decision on before I call back, or what if the voice mail is specifically requesting me not to call back?

Suppose I leave this message: "I'll be at a meeting all afternoon and won't be able to take care of Important Thing. Can you do it, please?" Person calls back without listening, I'm at the meeting and can't pick up, they leave their own voice mail ("Hi, you called, what's up?"), I can't listen until it's too late to do the Important Thing - which they would have known if they'd just listened to the voice mail in the first place.

Texting in restaurants I can take. Chatting on phones in train cars, bathrooms, and other places where it can be really annoying I can take. But not taking a minute or less to listen to a voice mail that someone has taken the trouble to leave? Nope. I just don't get it.

- B.D. in New York

How does a stay-at-home mother, father, or caretaker of a family member respond to the phrase, "You don't have a job," when they actually do work very hard? I addressed this last month by saying there are many tough jobs that don't have paychecks. One reader disagreed with me, but most thought that "working" in the home, and particularly caretaking for an elderly parent or children, was real work. Here's what one reader had to say:

"My wife had that job, and if anyone made that comment to her, she responded, 'I'll gladly exchange my nonpaid, no-benefit jobs for yours. When are you available to start?' "

- DLZ in Pa.