Temple's expendables

*Disclaimer: This article is meant to be read as satire.

NORTH PHILADELPHIA, Morgan Hall - Temple University announced today that the school would eliminate seven academic majors in a cost-cutting move. The announcement came after the elimination of seven varsity sports.

The majors targeted are English, American Studies, Geology, French, Environmental Studies, Social Work, and Political Science. Students and faculty received little notice of the cuts. Students majoring in the disciplines slated for closure will be given the choice of switching majors or transferring at the end of the semester. Staff in those departments will likely lose their jobs.

*Disclaimer: This article is meant to be read as satire.

University President Neil Theobald issued a statement explaining the rationale of the cuts: "We know these are hard decisions for the students and faculty in these majors, but these short-term losses are for the long-term good of the entire university and will allow us to direct funding toward growing our business program.

"With the advent of auto-correct and self-publishing by Amazon, English is an unnecessary major. There is no need to produce more unemployable students.

"Temple is becoming a global school, and American Studies in an insidious discipline. America decolonizes but then turns around just to colonize other countries 100 years later. American Studies serves bygone days. Forward-looking students will be transferred to our Far East Studies and will be prepared when China rules the world in 20 years.

"Geology was a challenge to give up. But Temple is a landlocked school in an urban space. Students who want to study land should pursue a major in our real-estate program. Have you seen the prices that fixer-uppers are fetching in the Temple neighborhood?

"French was too expensive. My first meal at a French restaurant cost more than $100, so training a bunch of underclassmen to translate menus for our law-school grads was cannibalizing our own student body. Besides, it is clear that tapas is in, foie gras is out - and so are our French majors. To them we wish bonne chance and bonne soiree.

"Social Work is a program that I and many Temple grads will sorely miss. However, alumni donations from the social-work graduates were pitiful. We will never be able to sell the stadium naming rights for a Mother Teresa Foundation Football Stadium. Fortunately, there are few poor French people in the Philadelphia area, so our Social Work-French double majors won't be missed.

"Cutting Political Science was our toughest decision. It is rumored that once I set Temple on solid financial footing, I intend to run for governor of Indiana. I can neither confirm nor deny those reports, but I can tell you that a bunch of socialist Poli-Sci majors running around North Broad Street won't help my chances. As budding political scientists, I'm sure they'll understand."

*Disclaimer: This article is meant to be read as satire.