Michael Smerconish: Enhancing my readership

I'VE HAD it, and I'm pulling out both the stops. Going double barrel. Calling on the twins, you could say.

Whatever it takes to have a column that's the most viewed or e-mailed item at Philly.com. So what if it's only the photo you'll care about?

For years I've poured my blood, sweat and tears into my newspaper columns, radio shows and TV commentaries. And for what? To see Dan Gross get all the glory. He writes the stuff that seems to get circulated.

Take my column two weeks ago. I landed an exclusive interview with ex-Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, during which I grilled him about the failure to capture or kill Osama bin Laden.

But to what end? Philly.com's most-viewed story this month (to which Gross contributed) was "First-timer Wins Wing Bowl Championship." The Musharraf piece is nowhere to be found. I got beaten by a 23-year-old guy in "career transition" named Super Squibb. As I write, the most popular item on the site is "Thieves Burglarize 60 Coke Machines at Taj Mahal."

By now I should know better.

Last winter, I got an incredible spike in traffic to my personal Web site - a spike I mistakenly attributed to promotional efforts for a book I'd co-authored about slain Philly cop Daniel Faulkner.

Only later did I realize that it was driven primarily by one specific item - a picture of Alycia Lane and me in the wake of the December 2007 reports that Lane had hit a New York City police officer (a charge that was later dropped). Turns out it was among the first to pop up in a Google image search for the former CBS3 anchor.

I can only imagine the disappointment when Internet sleuths found us fully clothed in my radio studio.

Well, no more.

Because I now present you with Sheyla Hershey, possessor of the largest breasts in the world. And better yet, I have pictures! 38KKK worth. Take that, Dan Gross.

I know you don't care about my interview. All you want are the photos. So I'll spare you the trouble of reading a couple of hundred words about what Hershey's exploits mean to American culture.

But you'll be missing out on a pretty big scoop. Like the fact that Ms. Life Raft thinks George W. Bush is our best modern president. ("I really love him with all my heart, and I think he's one of the great, great, great presidents.")

Of course, nobody cares about that. And you wouldn't, even if she knew where bin Laden is hiding.

I guess I could tell you what makes her tick, or why she'd want to carry more than a gallon of silicone around in her chest.

("I didn't do my breasts for the world. I did it to get in the Guinness Book of World Records, and I got it. And so I don't really expect to get anything from anybody," she told me. "I don't really expect to get good answers, good anything, comments, because I'm not going to get it. People think I'm stupid, people think I'm freaking out, people think I need a psych doctor. I didn't really do this for the people; I did it for myself.")

But why give up pop culture for pop psychology? Hershey is a huge fan of Dolly Parton, which makes sense. She also cites Angelina Jolie as an example of a proto- typical beautiful woman. (Angie's lips, Hershey insisted, are natural.)

I've worked in radio, TV and print for almost 20 years. Published three books, with a fourth set to be released in April. Provided extensive commentary about weighty subjects like the war on terror and 9/11.

But when people call my radio show or stop me on the street, they're more likely to ask about my campaign for a return to gaudy, fat, colored Christmas lights than the hunt for Osama.

The "Seinfeld" principle governs so much of what we see, hear and read today. More often than not, people are looking for a show about the little (or in this case, big) nothings in life that everyone can understand.

IN FACT, Hershey reminded me of the infamous "Seinfeld" episode featuring Teri Hatcher.

Well, Hershey's aren't real.

But I'm hoping many readers find them spectacular.

Sex sells. You've heard that all before.

Breasts are best? Chest-ka-ching? Twin-killing?

This time, I'm counting on it. *

Listen to Michael Smerconish weekdays 5-9 a.m. on the Big Talker, 1210/AM. Read him Sundays in the

Inquirer. Contact him via the Web at www.mastalk. com.