Posted on Thu, Sep. 18, 2008
I am about to join Howard Hughes, Michael Jackson and Donald Trump in the weird department. (No smart cracks from those who thought I was already a member.) All three men are obsessed with the prospect of catching more germs than necessary, and I am about to join their club.
I was driven to this point not by wanting to be like any of the three - I am not particularly fond of Howard, Michael or The Donald - but by what I see every day in men's restrooms. I am appalled by the number of men who use them and then leave without washing their hands.
Some fellas emerge from the stalls and don't even slow down as they pass the soap and water. Nope, it's straight out the door without a hint of guilt.
Suddenly, Hughes doesn't seem as weird anymore. And that's saying a lot. In addition to getting his hair cut and nails trimmed only once a year, Hughes insisted on using tissue paper when picking up objects to insulate himself from germs.
Jackson, meanwhile, often wears sterile masks to reduce contact with germs.
And Trump has said: "I don't like germs. That's why I don't like to shake hands. You just never know what that person did with his or her hand right before it was offered to you to shake."
Considering what I've seen in bathrooms, Trump has a point. This business of shaking hands, a common greeting dating back at least to the second century B.C., is said to have started as a peaceful gesture to show another person you were not wielding a weapon. Given today's level of violence, that might be reason enough to continue doing it.
Another of Trump's observations makes me wonder whether he has hired too many apprentices to conduct his research. He said: "I'm going to do everything in my power not to shake hands with teachers. According to a new study, teachers have the germiest jobs. They have 17,000 germs per square inch on their desks. That's 10 times the germ rate than any other profession."
He continued: "Bankers and accountants have the second-highest number of germs in their offices because they usually sit at their desks all day. By the way, never borrow a pen from an accountant. Their pens have more germs over any other profession."
Trump is not alone. According to one Web site on germ phobia, Al Roker applies sanitizer after shaking hands with members of the
Today show audience. Cameron Diaz opens doors with her elbows. New England Patriots star wide receiver Randy Moss won't touch doorknobs with his bare hands or allow anyone to open his refrigerator without first washing his or her hands.
Without getting too scientific, germs are generally defined as the microscopic bacteria, viruses, fungi and protozoa that can cause disease. Frequent hand-washing - lasting at least 10 seconds - and proper immunization offer the best protection.
At minimum, we must do something about those creeps who emerge from the restrooms without washing their hands. Add an extra penalty for those who teach their kids their unsanitary habits.
Here is my modest proposal: The Department of Homeland Security should be ordered to come up with new screening devices that can detect whether one has washed his or her hands. If inventors can come up with devices to catch us when we're speeding on the highway - and others to let us know when the police are trying to catch us - they should be able to develop such an instrument.
These devices should first be placed outside restrooms at airports, and no one should be allowed to exit the restroom until he has passed the germ-security test. We must always be on the lookout for germ terrorists. This is a matter of national security.
Until we do something along these lines, I am joining Hughes, Trump and Jackson.
I've always wondered, by the way, why Jackson wears only one glove. I am going the find the other one - and use it to shake hands with the unwashed masses.
George E. Curry is a former Washington correspondent and New York bureau chief for the Chicago Tribune. E-mail him at gcurry@phillynews.com.
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