When abuse of power is a good thing

FOR 10 WEEKS, Kim Davis has refused to issue marriage licenses to gay couples in Rowan County, Ky., where she's the elected clerk, because "God's moral law" won't allow her to do so.

Yet God's moral law has somehow allowed Davis to marry four times. That's how the Lord rolls in the Church of Kim.

I was glad when Davis was finally jailed Thursday on contempt charges. She can stay there until her fifth wedding, for all I care.

Still, her actions got me wondering last week if I, too, would let power go to my head if I were a public servant, able to pick and choose who to mess with. And I came up with a list of people whose rights I'd be tempted to abuse, as long as my job came with a crystal ball.

Louis John Vogwill. The 59-year-old Northeast Philly resident was hammered last Sunday when he allegedly slammed into off-duty Philly cop Lamar Poole, then fled. Vogwill is charged with involuntary manslaughter, homicide by vehicle, DUI and other crimes. How I wish I'd worked at PennDOT when Vogwill applied for his driver's license. I'd have used my crystal ball to refuse his application, sparing Poole's wife and seven kids their incalculable grief.

Brandon Tyler Berlin. When he was a senior at North Penn High School, Berlin, now 19, allegedly got hold of racy photos of more than 30 female classmates and uploaded them to Dropbox for all the world to see.

Last week, he was charged with sharing sexually explicit photos of underage girls. My crystal ball would've predicted this outcome and I'd have used my power to become an IT administrator at North Penn High School so I could hack into Berlin's computer. I'd then email him a photo of his future mug shot - the one that graced the Daily News last week - and say, "Brandon, it's not worth it."

Vester Lee Flanagan. The disgruntled ex-employee of WDBJ-TV in Roanoke, Va., gunned down reporter Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward as they conducted a live outdoor interview with local businesswoman Vicki Gardner. Only Gardner survived the horror, which, chillingly, Flanagan recorded and Tweeted before killing himself.

Had I been the future-seer clerk who conducted the background check that allowed Flanagan to buy the Glock that started the carnage, I'd have doctored the application to end things right there. And if I'd somehow messed up and Flanagan got his permit anyway, I'd have advised him, "Use the gun on yourself first, sir."

Kanye West, Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj. If I were the head cheese at the FCC, I'd have used my crystal ball to predict the trio's tedious, strutting, egomaniacal ramblings at last Sunday's MTV's Video Music Awards and then yanked MTV's broadcast license, just for the evening. I'd gladly have gone to the slammer to muzzle the bickering Cyrus and Minaj and to prevent 10 million retweets of toked-up West's "Bro. Bro! Listen to the kids!"

Kevin Hart. I'd have such a blast as a licensing clerk in City Hall's special-events office. I would abuse my juice to force Hart to host weekly Philly happenings. The Philly-born comedian's 5K race last weekend, which drew 2,500 runners, was a feel-good fun-fest, and his something-for-everyone show before 53,000 at the Linc made him the first stand-up comedian to sell out an NFL stadium. He's a Philly comic to feel proud of - our new Cos, without the rapey-ness.

Kathleen Kane and Frank Fina. Pennsylvania's alleged leaking-and-lying attorney general and her porn-lovin' Philly prosecutor arch-nemesis have made a grotesque mockery of their offices. If I were on the PA Supreme Court's Disciplinary Board, which licenses and disciplines lawyers in the state, I'd skip due process, abuse my authority and pull Kane's and Fina's licenses just to put an end to this Punch and Judy puppet show.

James Short. The former marketing director of the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board decided last week to plead guilty to taking more than $13,000 in gifts, transportation, lodging and hospitality from PLCB vendors prior to his March 2014 retirement. His $114,00 salary apparently wasn't enough for Short, who enjoyed golf trips, meals, sports tickets and, on one occasion, seats for "Wicked" on Broadway. If I'd been the PLCB hiring manager when Short came looking for a job, I'd have used my fortune-telling skills to see that he'd one day become an ethically challenged good old boy. As I sent him packing, I'd sip fine wine and good spirits, drunk with power.

Lt. Charles Joseph Gliniewicz. If I could turn back time, I would join the police department in Fox Lake, Ill., as the manager in charge of creating retirement policies. I would forbid any officer from altering his retirement date, ever. I'd do this because I'd know, from my crystal ball, that tragedy would otherwise ensue for Gliniewicz, a 32-year-cop lovingly referred to as "GI Joe" by residents of Fox Lake.

Gliniewicz had planned to retire on Aug. 31 but stayed on an extra month to help out, at the request of his boss. On Tuesday, he was murdered by yet unidentified assassins, leaving his small town reeling. On my power-hungry watch, GI Joe would've been forced to retire on the date he'd planned. And his wife and four kids would be enjoying his company instead of preparing for his funeral Monday.

Pope Francis. In my position as overlord of the city's special-events office (see "Kevin Hart," above), I'd issue permits for this month's World Meeting of Families only if the Pontiff agreed to lodge at my house in Fairmount, which I'd actually clean for the occasion.

I would do this because my crystal ball would've predicted that I'd break my foot in July (which I did) and would therefore be unable to revel in the once-in-a-lifetime Parkway spectacle that the World Meeting is sure to be. Manipulating the Pope in this way would not align with "God's moral law," as Kentucky clerk Kim Davis might say. But I would ask the Pope's forgiveness for using my power for personal gain, but before Dec. 8.

That's when his Holy Year of Mercy gets under way.

Phone: 215-854-2217

On Twitter: @RonniePhilly

Blog: ph.ly/RonnieBlog

Columns: ph.ly/Ronnie