Who cares about FIFA?

I WOULD LIKE TO CARE about the FIFA scandal. But it's hard.

I care about a lot of things, and they currently take up all the space in my brain. If I start caring about the racketeering, corruption and conspiracy charges that are rocking the Federation Internationale de Football Association, something else will have to go.

What should I get rid of?

I'd love to stop caring about ISIS. The crazies blew up a Shiite mosque in eastern Saudi Arabia yesterday, the group's second attack in two weeks. The group's atrocities are spreading beyond Syria, Libya and Iraq, making the Middle East even more dangerous and unstable.

If I start caring about FIFA, ISIS is out. But ISIS scares me more than FIFA outrages me, so - sorry, FIFA - ISIS stays.

Should I stop caring about the Philadelphia School District? City Council isn't too keen on passing Mayor Nutter's proposed property-tax increase to raise $105 million for the district. And state legislators aren't in a rush to grant Gov. Wolf's $159 million request for the district, either. When schools open in September - never a sure bet any more - how many more nurses, counselors, teachers and libraries will our kids be expected to do without?

I care more about Philly's betrayed children than about FIFA's corrupt leadership. So it seems the kids will need to stay in my brain, too.

You know who I recently tried to care about?

Bruce Jenner.

I couldn't help it. I know he'd become a grotesque clown on "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," but I've never sat through the show. So I still carried a torch for the old Jenner - the superb, Wheaties-box Olympian of my childhood. I actually made time to watch his interview with Diane Sawyer last month, when he officially came out as a trans woman. I went to bed halfway through his confession, though. I mean, I support Jenner's decision. But, yawn, what a dull person he is.

If I cared about him, I'd gladly replace him with FIFA. But I don't, so I can't.

I might've been able to care about FIFA on Wednesday, the very day that the U.S. Department of Justice indicted those nine FIFA officials and five corporate executives.

But that was the same day that Republican Rick Santorum announced his presidential candidacy. So I'm now forced to care about him. I don't want to, because I can't endure the man. But the possibility of former Sen. McSweaterVest running the country is more alarming to me than the probability that soccer officials got rich running a nonprofit.

So for now, I care about Santorum. But I can't wait not to.

I wish I felt as certain as my schoolteacher friend Teresa Hooten does about why FIFA deserves our focus.

"If you believe the rhetoric about sports - the stuff we tell our kids about good sportsmanship all the way to the importance of the Olympics bringing athletes from different nations together - then you have to care," she says. "Because soccer is the biggest sport on the planet. And, if the biggest sport on the planet fails, what are we left with?"

If it's that big, it won't fail. Important, rich and well-connected people with hidden motives won't let it. Just look at our banks. But go on, Teresa.

"Athletic games and competitions are as old as humanity itself," she continued. "They're part of our evolution, proof of our civilization. We need them to continue to develop as people and as a planet."

My friend Jarret Kerbel, pastor of St. Martin in the Fields in Chestnut Hill, said we should care about FIFA "because corruption is a major cause of despair, apathy and distrust, which undermine our ability to work together constructively."

Amen to that, Rev.

And my old pal Michael McGettigan is jazzed that the FIFA indictment (which he refers to as a ker-FIFA)has infuriated and frustrated evil Russian President Vladimir Putin. Russia will host the 2018 World Cup - a "get" that the scandal threatens.

"That alone is worth the price of admission," Michael says.

OK, now there's a reason I can get behind.

Putin monstrously annexed Crimea, abuses homosexuals and supports (though he denies it) rebel fighters in eastern Ukraine. To keep the denial alive, on Thursday he signed a decree making deaths of Russian forces "in peacetime" a state secret.

"This new decree raises some disturbing questions, such as whether journalists and civil-society activists reporting on alleged losses in Ukraine . . . might be criminally prosecuted for treason," said an alarmed John Dalhuisen, Amnesty International's Europe and Central Asia director.

"It also means families of soldiers killed during 'special operations' will be deprived the truth about the fate of their loved ones."

Putin's power is unchecked, the heartache he causes is boundless. If ker-FIFA makes him lose sleep, then by God, I will gladly make myself care about it.

Besides, I just thought of something I no longer care about: The mayoral primaries. They're over! Barring an unheard-of political twist, I now know who Philly's next mayor will be.

A space in my brain has opened up. So welcome, FIFA.

Please plan to stay awhile.

Phone: 215-854-2217

On Twitter: @RonniePhilly

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