At Abington Meeting, lesbian couple to marry

When Carol Wolf and Ana Maria Garcia went shopping for wedding outfits, they effectively outed themselves at every store.

Yes, they were getting married - to each other.

"And I have to say," Wolf said, "we met nothing but joy and happiness."

Which was something of a relief. To be gay, she said, can be to live in wait of the next insult or poor joke. It took years for Wolf's church, the Quaker meeting in Abington, to endorse the concept of same-sex marriage.

When it did, people immediately turned to her and Garcia: "So when are you getting married?"

The answer: On Saturday, the first same-sex marriage in the meeting's 300-year history.

It occurs as the U.S. Supreme Court is poised to rule on two cases that will impact whether gay marriage should be legal. And a religion that stands at the forefront of social-justice and equality movements has been divided by the issue.

More states are granting gays the right to wed, with voters giving approval last year in Maine, Maryland, and Washington, and lawmakers acting this year in Rhode Island, Delaware, and Minnesota.

Twelve states and the District of Columbia allow gay marriage. New Jersey and Pennsylvania do not.

"An institutionalized discrimination," Garcia said. "It's not the government's business to regulate love."

She and Wolf have been together for 25 years, a union that has produced both joy and a son. Lucas, 10, will be part of the ceremony. Wolf's father, the couple's sole surviving parent, is coming from Florida. Invitations were sent, tongue-in-cheek, to President Obama and TV host Ellen DeGeneres.

Excited friends gave them the gift of a week at a beach condo - and matching coffee mugs marked Mrs. and Mrs.

"I feel really happy for my moms," said Lucas, who attends Abington Friends School.

Wolf, 53, is a psychologist and artist who teaches at Abington Friends; Garcia, 56, a clinical psychologist by training, is chair of the sociology department at Arcadia University. They live in Melrose Park.

On Saturday, they'll recite their vows before dozens of friends, family, and meeting members. Garcia plans to wear a simple taupe dress, Wolf a sparkly shirt and taupe pants.

"Some of the legal aspects outside they'll have to contend with," said Tom Dwyer, clerk of the meeting. "But as far as Abington Meeting is concerned, they're married."

When politicians decry poverty, drug use, and crime, they often fault the breakdown of the two-parent home. But the gender of the parents who should constitute that family has been controversial.

Many religious and conservative groups condemn same-sex unions, defining marriage strictly as a covenant between man and woman and calling homosexuality immoral.

Supporters say gay people are being denied a freedom granted to others: to marry whom they wish. How, they ask, can people describe marriage as sacred, then insist it be limited?

Quaker groups feel that tension. Those associated with the Friends General Conference, a more liberal group, support full equality for gays. Those with the Friends United Meeting and Evangelical Friends International, which represent the majority of American Quakers, actively oppose gay marriage.

Individual meetings in different places have taken stands for or against.

For worshippers at the Abington meetinghouse, founded in 1697, its stone walls familiar to drivers heading toward the Acme on Old York Road, it was a long walk to "yes."

"For a long time, there was some contentiousness," Dwyer said.

About five years ago, an incident occurred at the adult session of First Day School, the Quaker Sunday school. Dwyer doesn't recall the details, but a woman was upset by what she saw as insensitivity to gays. At worship, she stood and "delivered a message," an action in which the spoken words are understood to be divinely inspired.

That prodded the meeting to serious discussion. In mid-2009, the group approved a simple, elegantly written "minute" - essentially a short position paper - affirming that Quaker belief required equal treatment for all people.

"All adult loving couples," the minute said, making no distinction between men and women, gay or straight, "may be married under the care of our meeting."

Couples marry by reciting vows before the assembled meeting members, who then witness the marriage by signing a certificate. Since early times, some Quakers have opted to marry only within the meeting and not register with the government.

"We're very excited about this wedding," Dwyer said. "They're such a great couple. . . . It's their celebration, but Abington Meeting can take a lot of pleasure and pride in being part of their day."

They met in 1984, when both worked at the Child Psychiatry Center in North Philadelphia. Garcia was married at the time, to a man, and Wolf was in a long-term relationship with a woman.

After four years of friendship, they left to be with each other.

"From the outside, it was, 'What the hell are you doing?' " Wolf said. "From the inside, it was the only choice."

As years passed, Wolf never considered marriage an option. Then, as some states granted approval, she wanted to wait until Pennsylvania acted. That changed in an important way this year, when Lucas, adopted as a baby from El Paso, Texas, began working on a school project to create a family timeline.

"It got me thinking about this for Lucas: how does it differentiate for him that we're not married?" Wolf said. "This year we went, 'Let's get married.' And once we said that, everything fell into place."