Tell Me About It: Dueling dates need a decision

Question: My daughter was just officially engaged. She booked a venue to coincide with an annual family event next summer and sent in the deposit.

She then asked her cousin, my niece, to be her maid of honor, and in fact her only attendant. My niece said yes and also said a friend of hers had asked her to be in her wedding next summer, too, but no date was mentioned when she was asked.

The date chosen by my niece's friend is the same as my daughter's. My niece's friend thinks because she asked first that my niece should be in her wedding (one of a couple of bridesmaids). My daughter thinks her invitation with a definite date supersedes the other request.

Does a "yes" without a definite date override a second request with a definite date attached? I think these requests were made within days of each other, by the way.

Answer: Your niece is in a terrible spot.

Both of these brides can choose to be gracious: "I completely understand that you committed to the other bride first." "I completely understand that you committed to this date first."

That neither is doing so is unfortunate, and I hope someone in each of their camps will guide them accordingly. "Your cousin is in a terrible spot," I hope you'll advise your daughter. "Instead of pressuring her on top of that, a true friend will tell her that of course you want her at your side, but also understand she has to do what she thinks is right."

Stepping back will make it easier for your niece to say no to your daughter, yes. But counsel patience and, if it comes to that, forgiveness.

Am I thinking this other bride would be a complete doink to pressure her friend to choose her wedding, where she'd be one bridesmaid, over her cousin's wedding, where she'd be the only? And am I also thinking Other Bride should say, "This is your cousin! Of course you go to the family wedding - as much as I'll miss you"? Yes, I am.

But just because you or I think your daughter might have a more compelling claim, doesn't mean you get to advance it as such. Counsel grace, and model it yourself. It's the path to zero regrets.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.