When I tell partners that I have never had an orgasm from oral sex, she decides she will be the one and winds up failing like all the rest. Then I have to tell her, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Would I be better off not saying anything at all?
Mia: Try another approach. For instance, what if you don’t make any pronouncement at all and instead just focus on your partner? I promise you, she’ll appreciate it.
Steve: Sex has about 9 million parts to it. There are some sex acts that people love and other people hate. There is no such thing as an only way. Unfortunately, we tend to look at the majority things and ignore the minority things in a sex life. There is no “perfect” way. Best way to go is to get to know each other, fall in love and then talk about sex. Be honest. And then let your partner tell what she likes best. There may be things that each or one of you dislike or that don’t work for you. Talk about it! You will find that relaxing and focusing on things that you and your love like best make the best kind of love.
I’m 45 and never married and have no kids. I work out regularly, keep myself in shape and look a lot younger than my age. The only thing missing from my life is someone to share it with. I went online and posted a profile on several dating sites. I’ve been hearing from lots of divorced dads or men who’ve lost their wives but I’m noticing a pattern with these. They say things like, “My children come first with me,” or “My children are my life.” Why would I date someone who’s already planning ahead of time to put me second? I’ve waited too long to get married to have to deal with that. My friends say I’m overthinking it and that I should go out with the men anyway since everybody already has got kids by this age. I tried talking to one man on the phone who I was thinking of dating and he started telling me all about when he had his kids and when he didn’t. I was turned off. I’m a free spirit. If I want to jump up and go to New York. I don’t want to hear “I’ve got my kids this weekend.” That’s not fair to me. Am I being unrealistic?
Steve: No. But you’re shrinking your pool of candidates. If you feel so strong about not adding kids to your life, then look among the fatherless. It will take awhile, but better to go that way than to accept children you don’t want.
Mia: Stand your ground, girlfriend. If you don’t want to be second to someone else’s kids, don’t shortchange yourself. But don’t give up on all of the dads you bump into online. Yes, you should skip those who post photos of themselves with their kids and the ones who say upfront that their children come first. Look instead for fathers whose children are grown and have moved on. Or else maybe a dad with only one kid, who’s pretty much already finished with school. Those men are most likely to put you first, like you deserve. Don’t settle! You don’t have to.