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Widow who endured marriage to cross-dresser wonders if she can find love again

Her late husband was angry she wasn’t turned on by his lingerie and heels. Now she asks, “How can you tell if you are sexually compatible with someone?”

Q: I love reading your column. It is the high point of my Fridays.

On Feb. 26, you had a letter from a woman whose husband wanted her to accept his cross-dressing in the bedroom. I, too, had this experience.

I was young when I married and had no sexual experience. After our second child was born, five years into our marriage, my husband said he was set on me having sex with him while he was dressed up in women's nighties, stockings, and heels. He also wanted to be tied up.

I eventually was able to accept the tying up; it was a sure way to get him excited. Most of the time, though, he was angry and disappointed because I was not attracted to him if he dressed in women's clothes. I also offered to divorce him, but he wanted to stay in the marriage, and our children adored him.

I am a senior citizen now; my husband passed away a couple of years ago. He eventually stopped being angry because his health declined and he was not really able to have sex.

But, to this day, I wish he had wanted me the way I wanted him. I am afraid to venture out and be in another relationship because of this life experience. What if I cannot tell if somebody really is into me, not their fantasies? Thank you for the great advice you gave to that young woman. My heart goes out to her.

You are the first two people I ever told about this. My husband had a job that was in the public eye. If I had gone for help, what if it leaked out? I was afraid I would embarrass him and ruin our lives just for a few minutes in the bedroom. I stuck it out. I weighed my options.

Thank you for your support with this situation and for allowing me to tell my story. Hopefully, there are other women who will come forward whom you can help. You made my day!

Mia: Your husband was probably into you - as well as his fantasies. That's why he married you and why he stayed despite your sexual differences. Most cross-dressers aren't gay. Many dress in a nonconforming way to deal with stress or express their feminine side. For some it's a fetish. Some guys just get a kick out it. A lot of them, like your husband, are pretty successful.

Your letter to us was handwritten. I hope you have a computer and know how to use it. There are many good resources available online that could help you understand what this is all about. Talking about this with other spouses of men who are cross-dressers, you may come to find peace with what you experienced.

Even though your husband was not gay, the Philadelphia PFLAG chapter could be a resource. PFLAG can be reached at 215-572-1833, and there are meetings on the third Sunday of every month from 2 to 5 p.m. at the Lesbian Gay Transgender Center at 3907 Spruce Street on the campus of the University of Pennsylvania.

Moving forward, try to keep your heart open to the possibility of meeting another man. If you need help getting in the game, enlist a mental health therapist to talk you through it.

As for word getting around that your late husband was a cross-dresser, don't worry about that. Judgments about sexual identity and preferences aren't as harsh in these days of Caitlyn Jenner and TV shows such as Transparent. Good luck to you. Please write us back and let us know how you make out.

Steve: How can you tell if the other person is into you and not just out to fulfill a sex fantasy?

You can't. Sometimes in a relationship everything seems great when - bang! - you get dumped.

Who does this happen to? Everybody. That's love. You just never know. But you can't win without making a bet. So give it a try, keep an open eye, and you'll sing, "My, my, my" just like Johnny Gill does here: http://bit.ly/1WcaQ1v

Q: After my boyfriend and I have a fight, he asks for oral sex.

I've done this a few times, mainly because I was the one in the wrong (not being there for him, thinking only of me, etc.) But it makes me feel skeevy. He says it shouldn't because we are consenting adults. What do you think?

Steve: He's right only if you are indeed consenting. If you are just doing it in response to his guilt throw-down, then you are being used. Tell him this trick has ended and don't let it happen again.

Mia: Girl, please. Don't let that man guilt you into having oral sex. Fellatio is supposed to be for fun. Do it only if and when you want - not when you're being manipulated.

Between them, Steve and Mia have logged more than a few decades in the single-and-dating world. They're also wise to the ways of married life. They don't always agree, but they have plenty of

answers. Contact them at S&M c/o Daily News, 801 Market St., Philadelphia, PA 19107 or steveandmia@phillynews.com.