Tell Me About It: Strategies for dealing with ADD spouse

From the column archives.

Question: It's almost Christmas, and I know my beloved ADD husband hasn't done a thing about my present. I tried to make things easy on him by asking for one thing related to his hobbies and interests, but, honestly, he forgets. I try not to badger him but keep blurting out attempts at humorous reminders ("Now you'll have to get me diamonds and chocolate!"), but I don't like myself when I say stuff like that. I just get so frustrated. Any wisdom?

Answer: Can you live with not getting anything, knowing that's part of the package of your life with this beloved ADD husband?

Comment: Even if she can live without the presents, how bad does the husband feel when it's midnight Christmas Eve and he's frustrated with himself for messing up another Christmas?

Another option might be not to write off gifts altogether, but to write off Christmas-morning surprise gifts - to either shop together or plan something special together that both acknowledge "counts" and doesn't make him feel like the screw-up and her the loving/understanding martyr again.

Answer: Right. Adults don't respond well when they're set up to fail. And as each of us has shortcomings, each of us has an area where we can be expected to fail - part of everyone's package deal.

So, given that the greatest gifts loved ones can give us are acceptance of our frailties and gratitude for our strengths, holidays are great opportunities for people to give one another chances to shine. Ask for things they give well, and erase expectations for things they rarely or never produce.

For example:

Stop throwing your introvert into your family's holiday melee for three solid days, and, instead, break up the melee with a one-on-one outing on Day 2, giving both of you a chance to be your best.

Tell your ADD spouse you want to skip the gifts and go shopping together at post-Christmas sales, or take a day trip in lieu of gifts.

Ask your compulsive organizer to take over holiday meal planning rather than expect him or her to roll with an unstructured afternoon.

To put an advice-column spin on a Christmastime earworm, every gift begins with knowing who the hell someone is, instead of sticking to a mass-produced script.

Question: I'm a very silly, good-natured person. I speak loudly, say inappropriate things, laugh at everything, and generally enjoy life. I have friends and family who love me and are amused by my behavior (most of the time).

I'm starting to think men like to be friends with the silly, loud girl but don't want to marry her. But that is the real me. Should I consider toning it down?

Answer: The person you'll be in a marriage is who you need to be when you're dating. Anything else is unfair to you both.

There are a lot of personalities that require a patient approach to finding a partner, because they require similar, very specific sensibilities. Call that a handicap, but it works better as a point of pride.

Chat with Carolyn Hax

online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.