Tell Me About It: Not sure if he loves her enough

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: I've been in a great relationship for almost a year. I often hear people in relationships say, "I can't imagine life without her," or, "I don't know what I would do without him."

I know I had those thoughts about my previous girlfriend, even though our relationship was crappy. I knew I would be destroyed if I lost her. (Surprise! We broke up and I was fine.)

My current relationship is respectful, supportive, and fun. My girlfriend is an awesome person. We have insane chemistry. And I love her quite a lot. But I have zero trouble imagining my life without her, and I think if she dumped me tomorrow I would be just fine. Like, one-day-of-intense-sadness-then-move-on-with-life fine.

Does this mean I'm just not that into her? Or does it just mean I've grown into some resilience and a more robust imagination? My previous relationship started right after college, but now I'm closer to 30.

Answer: Well, you "knew" you would be destroyed about the previous girlfriend, and you weren't; now you "think" (a verb worthy of your life mileage, well done) you would be just fine. Maybe that assessment is just as faulty.

I'd like to give you the pro-love answer and say you're simply more mature, but it could well be that you don't love this girlfriend as deeply as you're capable of loving someone. I just can't make that call for you. I do think, if it helps, that one person's "I can't imagine it" and another's "I can imagine it, and it would suck but I'd live" might well be functionally equivalent.

To get around that uncommon-denominator problem, I suggest another standard. You can live a good life without this person, but do you want to? And its bookend: You can live a good life with this person, but do you want to?

Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, pretty much all of it long-distance (we had been friends for a long time). I'm in my first year of grad school, and he has been searching for post-college jobs. He has an offer in my city, but he's not crazy about it. He has two other great offers four or more hours away.

I have two years left of grad school, and I'm not sure I can keep up a long-distance relationship. I love him so much, but the distance is awful. I worry that speaking up would be manipulative, and that he will take the job in my city and be unhappy at work. But it feels deceitful to help him through the decision, and then break up if he picks one of the long-distance offers. Please help.

Answer: "The distance is wearing me out. I know you're not crazy about the job here, but would you consider accepting it just to be here till I finish school?"

There is nothing manipulative about saying how you feel and what you want, because he can still use or ignore that information when he decides for himself. Manipulation is when you deliver a message not because it's true or something he's entitled to know, but because you know it will get you what you want.