What's the appropriate length of a date?

As a dating coach, I often get questions about the first date—the length, the venue, the method of parting… you name it.  I thought I'd share a few gems this week:

Q: So I've been texting back and forth with this girl for a while now (kept having conflicting schedules), and we're finally getting to meet this Thursday. Can you give me some first date advice for meeting someone online?  In the past first dates I've had, we talked about our experiences with OkCupid and Match. (Like, how many people we've met, bad/good experiences, etc.) Do you think that's something that shouldn't be brought up?  Is there a certain length I should keep the date to, or it just depends on how well the date is going?  Any first date advice is much appreciated!

- Jason, 29, New York, NY

A: That is very exciting!  If you're meeting someone for the first time from an online dating site, it should always just be for drinks or coffee… something casual to get to know each other.  As for the length, it's usually about an hour.  If you're having a good time, though, obviously you'll want to stay longer and perhaps order some food.

In terms of what to talk about, I wouldn't lead with the question of how online dating is going, unless it's under the guise of how well this date is going compared to others, accompanied by a funny story.  Just be yourself and be natural, and the conversation should flow.  It's most important to talk about your hobbies and things you like to do to see if you have any of the same interests.  And women like when you ask them questions to show that you're interested in learning—what she likes to do, etc.  You'll know when you talk if you're clicking or not just based on how the conversation is going.

The first date is kind of like a screener to see if you want to take her out again, so keep the conversation light and fun (and a little flirtatious if you like).  If, at the end, you do like her, it's best to tell her that you'd like to see her again, so there's no question, then you can either line up the next date just then or follow up afterwards.  (No three-day rule!)  If not, a simple, "nice meeting you" will do the trick.

Q: I'm doing all right with dating - just at the moment wondering the value of spending the time and money on a second date if I wasn't blown away on the first date.  Thoughts?
- Gary, 34, Arlington, VA

A: To answer your question about whether or not to take someone on a second date if you weren't enthralled on the first, I'd say that it depends.  If you think there might be some connection, but you have to get to know her better, it's definitely worth the second date.  If she is definitely not what you're looking for because of a few things—she was rude, you thought she was unattractive, you had clashing views on something important—obviously, it's not worth it.  Remember, though, that people are not always themselves on the first date.

In terms of the time and money aspect, while I think you come up with some of the best date ideas ever (really), I would cool it on the creative (and sometimes expensive/time-consuming) first dates and rather take her for a drink or coffee, and plan to spend just an hour unless you really like each other.  Even for the second date, you don't have to go crazy—a casual dinner would be just fine.  That way, you're not pulling out the big guns (and bucks) before you know if she appreciates it.  Your really creative date ideas should be used on someone who is definitely worth it.

Q: What should you suggest doing on a first date with someone you found on an online dating site?

- Angela, 52, Philadelphia, PA

A: It's kind of funny… there's a section on many online dating sites called "My perfect first date."  It's amazing the number of people who say, "Dinner," or worse, "A long, romantic dinner."  I wouldn't recommend devoting two hours (or more) of my life to someone I've never met in person before.  I'm not saying you can't have dinner with someone on the first date—quite the opposite.  But instead of scheduling it ahead of time, you should just leave the option open.  You can always add dinner, but you can't take it back.

Like the Q&A with Erika?  More can be found in her book Love at First Site.