In any romantic relationship, once the honeymoon phase comes to an end, each partner’s peccadilloes — from constant knuckle cracking to leaving the cap off the toothpaste — will start to grate on the other’s nerves. In the context of a lifelong commitment, such grievances may seem petty, so couples often try to ignore them. However, over time, minor annoyances that aren’t addressed can develop into major issues.
“If something bothers you day after day and is a continual annoyance, you have to bring it up or it will harden into bitterness and resentment,” says couples’ therapist Paula Zerfoss, Santa Fe, N.M.
If it’s a minor, infrequent infraction, “There is some validity to waiting to see if it’s actually worth having a discussion about, to try to put it aside and see if it goes away,” she says. “But if it doesn’t, bring it up so it doesn’t grow into something much bigger than the original annoyance. Sometimes, a husband leaves hair in the sink and it’s just hair in the sink. But if it’s consistently annoying and never dealt with, it develops into the wife thinking, ‘I’m the one who’s always expected to clean up around here. I feel like the maid.’”
Laurie Mintz, an associate professor of counseling psychology at the University of Missouri-Columbia, borrows a metaphor commonly used by couples’ counselors to explain how minor irritants can evolve into full-blown issues with relationship-ending potential. Mintz says each person in a relationship shoulders an imaginary backpack.
“For each little pebble we encounter, which are the minor annoyances, we tell ourselves it’s no big deal and toss it in our packs,” she says.
Over time, the backpacks become heavy burdens.
“They’ve allowed things to build up for so long that when they finally decide to deal with the pebbles, they’ve fused into one big rock,” Mintz says.
Mintz advises couples to deal with each pebble as it is encountered but after a sufficient interval has passed so that the perturbed partner isn’t fuming. The person airing a grievance should focus on the fact he or she is irritated and not on the fact a partner is doing something irksome.
“Use ‘I’ statements,” Mintz says. “Instead of, ‘You never turn off the bathroom light,’ say, ‘I am really into preserving resources so I get upset when you leave the light on in the bathroom.’”
Zerfoss says the discussion should focus on a particular event or annoyance and not turn into an indictment of a partner’s overall character. In other words, a wife should stick with “I” statements regarding her feelings about stray hairs in the sink instead of calling her husband a hirsute slob.
“The goal shouldn’t be achieving 100 percent compliance but having your partner understand where you’re coming from,’ she says, which often motivates him or her to alter the behavior.
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