DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are happily married, but have one serious problem. Our sleeping habits are incompatible. I am an extremely light sleeper; he is a horrendous snorer.
He sees a snoring specialist and tried several medical treatments, none of which worked. The only solution is a minor surgical procedure. He doesn't want to have the surgery. He insists he "sleeps fine," and says I'm the one with the problem.
I have tried earplugs, white noise machines, sleep medications and more, but I cannot get a decent sleep with the obnoxious snoring. He stays up much later than I do, and I enjoy sleeping in our master bedroom until he comes to bed. I usually get driven out of the room by the noise.
We agree we don't want to sleep in separate rooms and lose the intimacy, but it's the only option for me to sleep well. Neither of us wants to give up the master bedroom because it's the only one with an attached bathroom.
Am I wrong for asking him to have surgery so we can share a bed? And if he won't, who should get the master bedroom?
- Sleepless in Louisiana
DEAR SLEEPLESS: Let's be honest. By now your husband knows full well he doesn't "sleep fine." The reason for his reluctance is fear of the surgery. It wasn't wrong of you to ask, and out of consideration for you and the intimacy in your marriage, he shouldn't have refused.
However, because he insists on coming into the master bedroom, which he knows wakes you, for the sake of your health, take the other bedroom. Understand, the "intimacy bed" does not always have to be the "sleeping bed." Good sleep quality is necessary for us to function properly.
Rift over family's stay
DEAR ABBY: I have five grown children and three grandchildren. They have always come first, especially my grandchildren. When I began the relationship with my husband, I told him how important both were to me and that, no matter what, my grandchildren always came first. He agreed and said he felt the same way.
Now, two years into our marriage, my daughter and grandchildren want to come live with us for nine months while her husband is deployed. My husband is freaking out and keeps complaining every day even though they aren't even here yet. He has pushed me to my breaking point, and I am not sure what to do. I would never tell him that or act that way toward his children or grandchildren. I'm now considering divorce. What should I do?
- Family first in the South
DEAR FAMILY FIRST: I can't help but wonder how you would really feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you be as accommodating as you expect him to be, or would you be panicking, too?
Remind your husband that this is what he agreed to before your marriage, and point out that this isn't forever. It will be for only nine months. Tell him it will be an opportunity for him to get to know the grandkids and vice versa. Who knows? He might even enjoy it.
If he's still unhappy after a reasonable period of time after they arrive, then it may be time to discuss separating. But don't jump the gun.