DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband confessed that he was having an affair at work. Before it started, he tried setting "Velma" up with his twin brother, but she said she wasn't interested. Their affair lasted for months, until the guilt "ate him up." When he told me, I was devastated.
We agreed to get counseling and work on our marriage. Well, it turns out Velma was also seeing his brother while she was with my husband. Oh! And she had a baby, and we're not sure who the father is.
My brother-in-law claims he loves Velma and she loves him. I have been asked if I am willing to sit with her, my husband and brother-in-law to "clear the air." I don't think I can do it. Although I want my brother-in-law to be happy, at the same time, I don't want to ever be near this woman. Please help.
- Losing Myself
DEAR LOSING YOURSELF: Has your brother-in-law MARRIED Velma? If not, I see no reason why you should be forced to clear anything with her. If the two of them have tied the knot, then I can see a benefit for you in having a discussion. Of course, that discussion should be in the office of a professional mediator, and you should first make a list of all the questions you would like her to answer.
At the top of the list would be why she was sleeping with your husband and his brother at the same time. Close to that one would be why she thinks you would ever want to have a relationship with her. Take it from there and add questions of your own.
Husband airs his criticism on Facebook
DEAR ABBY: I am a Korean lady whose husband spends a lot of time on Facebook. He says it's to promote his books. (He loves to write.) I think he does it to get recognition from his Facebook "friends."
Well, that may be great for him. But my problem with him - and Facebook - is that sometimes he provides too much information about ME. None of it is positive.
We had a fight two weeks ago, and the next thing I knew, I was reading about it on Facebook, all from his point of view. Before that, he complained he only got a bowl of cereal for breakfast when he would have liked a hot meal instead. Excuse me, but what's stopping him from making one for himself when I have to drop off the kids at school and go to work?
I feel hurt after reading what he's posting and ashamed for not being a "good enough" spouse. Am I overly sensitive or should I confront him about this? I could use some wise advice.
- Embarrassed in Korea
DEAR EMBARRASSED: By all means talk to your husband about what he's been doing, because if he has complaints, they should be directed to you rather than his Facebook buddies. If you feel compelled to defend yourself, you can always reply to his posts to set the record straight. If he continues to publicly discuss what should be a private matter, you might be less embarrassed if you read his posts less often or unfriend him altogether.